Sanctions Force Putin to Cancel Trump Family’s Quarterly Bonuses

When Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine last week, it’s difficult to know if he understood the quickness and severity with which the west would institute withering economic sanctions against him and the oligarchs that prop him up. Regardless of how prescient he was about the consequences of those sanctions, however, word has leaked that their severity has already forced him to make one drastic change to his operating budget.

According to a source within the Trump Organization, the severity of global sanctions on the Russian regime have forced Putin to cancel the quarterly bonuses he traditionally has paid the Trump family.

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“We received a call from Uncle Vladdy last night, and he told us that until further notice, our quarterly bonuses are on hold,” our source, who is most definitely not the dumbest guy named Don Trump on the planet, told us. “Former President Daddy, I mean Trump, is very upset and bigly dismayed by this news, and it’s exactly why he’s always been on Uncle Vladdy’s side in this whole NATO thingie, too.”

If the sanctions don’t drop soon, and if the flow of bonuses doesn’t start back up again, it could mean “really, really, like, really bad things” for the Trump businesses, according to our source.

“It costed us a lot of money to build Mom Three her own, separate wing in the penthouse Daddy, I mean, Mr. Trump, lives in. People have no idea how much money he’s spent on that really cool guy Don Jr’s plastic surgery to correct his Chronic Jizz Face, and they have no idea how little money the business makes that isn’t somehow tied to the Russians,” our source told us. “If we don’t start getting the rubles back in our accounts every quarter, Eric might have to sell his heart or something, which is fine because we all have two hearts, but still, we don’t want to do that.”

In the meantime, our source says that former President Trump has already made a few “executorialish decisions” to cut back on costs, hoping to tighten up the purse strings enough to survive until the sanctions lift.

“For now, the only things we’re spending money on are Adderall and the subscription to Sissy’s — excuse me, the former First Lady’s — OnlyFans account. Everything else has been cut off until we get those sweet, sweet monies from Russia again.”

 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.