PIG SLOP CROTCH, ARKANSAS — Sarah Huckabee Sanders is going to be a Fox News contributor. Some might wonder if she’ll fit in at Fox News. After all, many argue, there is a certifiable difference between lying on someone’s behalf in the private sector as opposed to doing it on the taxpayer’s dime. Ms. Huckabee Sanders was asked in her home state about whether she has any similar concerns. According to her, she does not.
“Any time you transition from the public to the private sector, you risk there being some things lost in translation, not matter how similar the two jobs might be. That being said…You know, I can’t quite put my finger on it, mainly because there’s already a deep-fried lard muffin in it, but something tells me I’m gonna be pretty good at lying for Trump,” Huckabee Sanders told reporters that caught up with her while she was out grocery shopping. “It just seems like something I was really born to do. But I guess I’ll find out for sure once I start the gig.”
Over the course of his term as president, Donald Trump has told over 10,000 documented untruths. Americans used to know untruths as “lies,” however, Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ new employers have helped retrain roughly 35% of the country to blame the people who caught Trump lying, and not Trump himself for the lies. The former head propaganda secretary told reporters she’s “super duper excited” to help in that effort.
“It’s one thing to be on the inside trying to convince people what they heard they didn’t hear, and what they saw they didn’t see,” Huckabee Sanders said, “but it’s another thing entirely to get to help mold the narrative that we craft on his glorious, orange behalf!”
As much as she loved her time working for Trump directly, Huckabee Sanders says there’s one difference she’s looking forward to experiencing from her new employers.
“The president, as much as he’s the kindest, sweetest, gentlest, most non-racist man with the most normal sized hands and genitals, would do this thing where he’d blame all his farts on me,” Huckabee Sanders said. “He’d always say, ‘That’s what dogs are for. Blaming farts on.’ And I took it because this republic needs someone strong enough to have farts blamed on them. I won’t lie though, it’ll be nice to only have my own, putrid, foul, and disgusting farts blamed on me.”
There is one aspect of the new job that has Sarah a little concerned, however.
“The only thing that scares me is I’m used to lying on Fox News from the press room podium, or the White House lawn, and I’m not sure if I can lie as effectively in their New York studio,” Huckabee Sanders said, “so maybe they’ll let me record my pieces from the comfort of my own sty. That would be amazing!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”