Rapist Looking to Settle Down and Start a Family Grateful for Florida’s New Abortion Ban

He’s known for a little while that he’s ready to settle down and start a family. At 32 years of age, Chad Palumbo says he’s done sewing his wild oats, and wants to have some kids. For most self-described rapists, that would be an enormously tall order. However, because Chad lives in Florida, and his state just passed a 15-week abortion ban without any exceptions for rape or incest, all of a sudden, he told us things are “coming up Chad.”

Chad agreed to speak to us today via Skype.

“I live in a really small town, so pretty much everyone knows I’m a rapist. I was thinking until DeSantis signed that new abortion law that I may die without leaving my rapey legacy behind. Thank God Governor DeSantis understands that rape is just God’s way of putting one in you…a baby I mean.”

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Palumbo describes himself a men’s right’s activist and repeatedly told us “it’s okay to be a white male.” He also blames the fact that no woman wants to come near him on them being indoctrinated against men in public schools. This is why Chad is very supportive of a law signed by DeSantis recently that completely bans education of any sort in Florida.

Education of any kind is now completely and fully illegal within Florida’s state lines, thanks to a new order signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q). DeSantis signed the order just after his administration rejected more than 50 math textbooks because they claim the material in the books encouraged things like Critical Race Theory and were built on “Common Core” mathematics principles.

This is just the latest in a spate of moves that the DeSantis administration has made in the arena of public education. In recent weeks he has signed the “Don’t Say Gay” law onto the books, which is an attempt to dramatically curb how teachers speak and behave in Florida’s classrooms, potentially making it illegal for a gay teacher to tell her third grade students what she and her wife did over summer vacation. After DeSantis signed the new order barring any and all forms of education in any building in the state, he explained his rationale. (NRN)

MORE: Florida Bans Education

Mr. Palumbo said he’s unsure when he’ll start trying to start his family, but he said he has a handful of bars picked out where he’ll look for the future mother of his rape baby.

“I guess what I’m really grateful for, other than DeSantis signing a law that essentially gives rapists parental rights, of course, is that here in Florida COVID’s over. No more masks. I don’t want to be crass, and rape isn’t about sexual attraction, but I just think it’ll be nice having a better idea of what my child born of rape will look like when his mother isn’t wearing a mask when I rape her. You understand.”


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.