WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House officially released a new presidential photographic portrait today. The administration is insisting that the photo is “100% accurate-ish” and “completely authenticalistic.”
“The president looks amazing in this new photo, doesn’t he? Just amazing,” White House Chief Lie Curator Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning as she unveiled the new portrait. “President Trump feels this image, perhaps more than any other ever taken of him, best captures what he truly looks like.”
Grisham showered both the portrait, and her boss, with effusive praise.
“This new portrait allows those who gaze upon it to see the boundless, dark, luxurious locks of hair that sprout forth the president’s very good brain,” Grisham said, “and he is so thrilled that the mustache and goatee he worked so hard to cultivate over the summer is really starting to show through.”
Ms. Grisham says the new portrait will be a “symbol of the enduring handsomeness of not all presidents, but this president.”
“The rest of the presidents were all gross looking compared to Dear President,” Grisham said. “In fact, one of them very recently was…you know…one of THEM. So of course our good, clean, white overlord and savior is better looking than that previous urban administration. But until we had this official, 100% accurate-ish and completely authenticalistic portrait made, the president’s true aesthetic wonder could not be fully appreciated.”
There are plans for the new official portrait to tour red states and then, hopefully, it will be sent to the “bigliest and bestest” museums in the world, Grisham said.
“The president is drafting an order to the Smithsonian for them to hang it in the front entrance, where everyone can see it, before they see the rest of the so-called art and cultural achievements in the rest of the joint,” Grisham said. “He will also send order to President Macaroon of France to have the portrait hung in front of the Moaning Lisa in the Lube.”
The portrait was taken by a popular right-wing troll whose memes and highly-edited videos the president often retweets.
“I was really proud to take the totally real portrait of the greatest president to ever live,” Twitter user @CarpeTrumpLowIQAnon told us via skype. “It was truly the highest honor I’ll ever have. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few cousins to bone.”
President Trump was spotted leaving the White House, on his way to McDonald’s before spending the rest of the day quietly masturbating and practicing his putting at his D.C. area golf course. He was asked about the new portrait. A proud Trump told the press it was “perfect in every way.”
“Just like my hands, penis, and moral compass,” Trump said. “Perfect. You got that?! PER-FUCKING-FECT!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”