God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman’s killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter’s manifesto included references to “The Great Replacement Theory,” many have wondered just what that is, and where it came from. In general, The Great Replacement Theory states that a concerted effort is being made to force demographic shifts… Continue reading God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Living fossil and televangelist Pat Robertson often speaks to God about what’s going in the United States. In particular, Robertson will dialogue with God about natural disasters and weather phenomenon. Usually, God tells Robertson exactly what it is that the sinful American left has done to deserve his ire. But Robertson… Continue reading Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

Man Sues God For Taking Betty White and Bob Saget When Trump Was ‘Still a Very Good Option’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — 2022 is not quite two weeks old, and already a handful of famous, beloved celebrities have passed on — and that fact has just landed Larry “God” Schumway back in civil court, the subject of a lawsuit. Just before the calendar turned over, actress Betty White died. Then, days later… Continue reading Man Sues God For Taking Betty White and Bob Saget When Trump Was ‘Still a Very Good Option’

God: “I Have No Fucking Clue Who This Mango Craycray Greene Is”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, House Democrats passed a bill that, if signed into law, would codify the right to an abortion, ahead of the Supreme Court hearing arguments in a case that could gut the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that gave it to women in the first place. Shortly after the vote was taken,… Continue reading God: “I Have No Fucking Clue Who This Mango Craycray Greene Is”

God: “No Other Gods Before Me Applies to Flags Too”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway confirmed for afterlife reporters this morning during his weekly press briefing that one of the Ten Commandments “totally applies to flags.” “I mean, the commandment is pretty clear and straightforward, so I’m not exactly sure where the confusion some Americans are feeling comes from,” Schumway explained, “but… Continue reading God: “No Other Gods Before Me Applies to Flags Too”

God Believes in ‘Evolution, Not in Marjorie Greene’s Humanity’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — In a new interview he did with Deities Magazine, Larry “God” Schumway may have just dropped quite the bombshell on Evangelical Christians. For many years, the religious right has downplayed or outright denied evolution, choosing instead to stick to their beliefs that Schumway himself created the Earth and everything that surrounds… Continue reading God Believes in ‘Evolution, Not in Marjorie Greene’s Humanity’

Jesus Says It’s Okay to Pray That Trump Dies Before 2024

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Americans who find themselves praying that former President Donald J. Trump dies before he can run for re-enter the political arena and run for office again are not running afoul of Jesus Hubert Christ or his father Larry “God” Schumway, according to a new interview Christ did over the weekend.… Continue reading Jesus Says It’s Okay to Pray That Trump Dies Before 2024

God Cancels Rush Limbaugh

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — In breaking news, we have learned that conservatives across the United States have disavowed “God” after He cancelled Rush Limbaugh. A statement, released by God’s assistant Jermaine, reads in part “…there just comes a time where you have to take out the trash, and that’s exactly what we did.  Even as the… Continue reading God Cancels Rush Limbaugh

Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc’s CEO Larry “God” Schumway, was brushing his holy teeth, and saw something he told friends and colleagues was “really crazy” and that he’d never seen before. Christ stopped short of calling it a “miracle,” though he did say what he say… Continue reading Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror