Jesus Can’t Figure Out Why American Christians Want to Starve Children They Force Into Life

Speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference, Jesus Hubert Christ was asked for his opinions on a leaked Supreme Court opinion indicating the conservative majority is poised to overturn Roe Vs Wade. Christ reiterated that he, as a general rule, stays out of political affairs, however he did raise some questions he has, personally, about… Continue reading Jesus Can’t Figure Out Why American Christians Want to Starve Children They Force Into Life

Jesus Warns His Trans Little Children to ‘Stay the Fuck Away’ From the Bible Belt

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry “God” Schumway, and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., held an urgent press conference this morning. Christ urged any and all parents of transgender children living in the so-called “Bible Belt” to move their families to a more tolerant and inclusive part of the… Continue reading Jesus Warns His Trans Little Children to ‘Stay the Fuck Away’ From the Bible Belt

Matt Walsh is Thinking Very Deeply About Your Genitals. Just Like Jesus.

This week, Daily Caller columnist and podcaster Matt Walsh — a devout evangelical Christian conservative — appeared on The Dr. Phil Show and got into a heated exchange with transgender rights activists, including two transgender women. Walsh repeatedly asserted that the women on the show were actually men. At one point, Walsh told them they were wearing… Continue reading Matt Walsh is Thinking Very Deeply About Your Genitals. Just Like Jesus.

Jesus Christ Doesn’t ‘Have Any Fucks to Give’ About the Fox News Christmas Tree

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This week, Conservative America has been highly focused on what is being described in certain circles as the most egregious attacks in the left’s long-running war on Christmas in quite some time, if not ever. Just days ago, a man is suspected of lighting the Fox News Christmas tree on… Continue reading Jesus Christ Doesn’t ‘Have Any Fucks to Give’ About the Fox News Christmas Tree

Mike Lindell: Trump Will Be Back in Power and ‘Make Jesus White Again’ by Christmas

Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow and its subsidiary, MyCrackPipe, can be accused of a whole host of things, but one thing no one can reasonably accuse him of is disloyalty to former President Don J. Trump. Despite being sued by the very companies he has accused of conspiring to steal last year’s election from Trump… Continue reading Mike Lindell: Trump Will Be Back in Power and ‘Make Jesus White Again’ by Christmas

Jesus Now Requires a Vaccine Passport to Enter Heaven

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — If you’re going to die soon, and if when you do you expect to wind up in Heaven, you better bring your vaccination records with you. At a press conference held from outside the bounds of human mortality, Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., announced that Heaven… Continue reading Jesus Now Requires a Vaccine Passport to Enter Heaven

Jesus Gives Permission to MAGA to Worship Trump Instead

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., told reporters today that he and his father have decided to give members of the MAGA movement what he called “special consideration” and permission to break one of the Ten Commandments. “I know that for a long, long, long time we’ve… Continue reading Jesus Gives Permission to MAGA to Worship Trump Instead

Jesus Says Lil Nas X Can Grind on Him in His Next Video as ‘An Olive Branch to MAGA’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, the son of Larry “God” Schumway and VP of Sales and Marketing at Holy Trinity Inc., told heavenly reporters today that he’d “willingly and gladly” let rapper LilNasX grind on him and give Christ a lap dance in his next music video. “You know, for a bunch… Continue reading Jesus Says Lil Nas X Can Grind on Him in His Next Video as ‘An Olive Branch to MAGA’

Jesus H. Christ: “Joel Osteen is a Disgusting Capitalist Fuck Giblet”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry “God” Schumway and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., did not mince any words today. “Joel Osteen? You want my feelings on Joel Osteen, the megachurch guy,” Christ asked at a heavenly press conference this morning, “sure. I’ll give you my thoughts on Joel Osteen. Joel… Continue reading Jesus H. Christ: “Joel Osteen is a Disgusting Capitalist Fuck Giblet”

Horny Jesus Reminds You He’s Also the Reason for the Squeezin’

SEXXXY HEAVEN — Horny Jesus Christ, the super-sexed-up version of the character from the bestselling fantasy fiction series “The Whore-y Bible,” which is an edition of the Bible that features sexualized stories from the scripture, told the world today that he’s not just the “Reason for the Season.” “Okay, sure, yes, if you want to… Continue reading Horny Jesus Reminds You He’s Also the Reason for the Squeezin’