Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It’s not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the Supreme Court’s conservative majority is poised to help roll back abortion rights in America to a time before Roe Vs Wade, 34 year old Scott Manoot says that he’s been cleaning up after he “spanks it” faster than… Continue reading Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

Jesus Now Requires a Vaccine Passport to Enter Heaven

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — If you’re going to die soon, and if when you do you expect to wind up in Heaven, you better bring your vaccination records with you. At a press conference held from outside the bounds of human mortality, Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., announced that Heaven… Continue reading Jesus Now Requires a Vaccine Passport to Enter Heaven

God: “No Other Gods Before Me Applies to Flags Too”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway confirmed for afterlife reporters this morning during his weekly press briefing that one of the Ten Commandments “totally applies to flags.” “I mean, the commandment is pretty clear and straightforward, so I’m not exactly sure where the confusion some Americans are feeling comes from,” Schumway explained, “but… Continue reading God: “No Other Gods Before Me Applies to Flags Too”

Jesus Says It’s Okay to Pray That Trump Dies Before 2024

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Americans who find themselves praying that former President Donald J. Trump dies before he can run for re-enter the political arena and run for office again are not running afoul of Jesus Hubert Christ or his father Larry “God” Schumway, according to a new interview Christ did over the weekend.… Continue reading Jesus Says It’s Okay to Pray That Trump Dies Before 2024

Justice Barrett Gets Permission from Husband to Start First Day on Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. — All the hearings had been held. All the votes, for and against her confirmation had been cast. Her oaths had been administered, and by this morning Amy Coney Barrett had been sworn-in and officially installed by Dear President Trump and Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. But even with all the ducks lined… Continue reading Justice Barrett Gets Permission from Husband to Start First Day on Supreme Court

Barrett Promises to Leave Her Religion Out of Legal Opinions as Long as God and Her Husband Say She Can

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital is dug in for one hell of a fight. There seems to be very little doubt that Senate Republicans will do everything in their power — and perhaps some things technically not in their power — to rush Judge Amy Coney Barrett through the confirmation process and into the… Continue reading Barrett Promises to Leave Her Religion Out of Legal Opinions as Long as God and Her Husband Say She Can

Town Shocked to Discover Local Pious Man Actually Just Raging Hypocrite

EL OSO GRANDE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A small mountain town nestled in the mountains in Southern California was rocked this week by a scandal that one local told us they “never could have seen coming.” MORE: Local Karen Reports 18 Suspicious Antifas Armed With Clubs Up to Gang Activity in Local Park On Tuesday, Phillip… Continue reading Town Shocked to Discover Local Pious Man Actually Just Raging Hypocrite

Trump Declares Houses That Worship Him “Essential”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the President of the United States of America declared the 10th Amendment “total and complete bullshit written by likely Never-Trumpers” on a podcast hosted by right-wing conspiracy theorist and world record holder for largest, emptiest forehead Dan Bongino. A few hours later, Trump would announce from the White House briefing room… Continue reading Trump Declares Houses That Worship Him “Essential”

Pro-Trump Televangelist Wonders if COVID-19 God’s Punishment for Impeaching Trump

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — It’s not often that Rev. Bill Millen — a self-described and branded “Televangelist for Trump” — finds himself disagreeing with one of the most famous and influential fellow conservative evangelical leader, but this morning Millen told his tele-flock that he’s found himself in that precise position. Millen told his Monday podcast… Continue reading Pro-Trump Televangelist Wonders if COVID-19 God’s Punishment for Impeaching Trump