Overturning Roe Doesn’t Go Far Enough. Sperm Must Be Given Full Citizenship.

The following editorial was written by Will Riccilumbo, a Fox News contributing editor and 2020’s Shitdick Magazine “Shitdick of The Year.” The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Riccilumbo, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its management, or staff. For all the handwringing the left is doing about losing Roe Vs Wade… Continue reading Overturning Roe Doesn’t Go Far Enough. Sperm Must Be Given Full Citizenship.

Jesus Can’t Figure Out Why American Christians Want to Starve Children They Force Into Life

Speaking to reporters at his weekly press conference, Jesus Hubert Christ was asked for his opinions on a leaked Supreme Court opinion indicating the conservative majority is poised to overturn Roe Vs Wade. Christ reiterated that he, as a general rule, stays out of political affairs, however he did raise some questions he has, personally, about… Continue reading Jesus Can’t Figure Out Why American Christians Want to Starve Children They Force Into Life

Sexual Predator Poised to Give Rapists More Parental Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, one of America’s most famous and successful sexual predators, finds himself in quite a unique position. Should he decide to do so, Kavanaugh can help the other five conservative justices on the high court gut Roe vs. Wade and enable states to write laws that ban abortion, without exceptions… Continue reading Sexual Predator Poised to Give Rapists More Parental Rights

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Forcing Teens to Have Fathers’ Rape Babies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in decades, the United States Supreme Court will hear oral arguments this morning in a case that could have a transformative effect on abortion rights in America. Since 1973, every woman living in the U.S. has enjoyed biological autonomy — the legal right to privacy which enables her… Continue reading Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Forcing Teens to Have Fathers’ Rape Babies

TX Man Unsure Whether to Let Cousin Die From Complications or Sue Her For Getting Abortion

SHITLIP, TEXAS — Bill Williamson has found himself in some rather unforeseen circumstances before, but he told us during a recent Skype interview that what he’s going through now is “literally Hell on Earth,” and he’s unsure how it will resolve itself. Williamson and his wife, Helen, have been expecting their fourth child together since… Continue reading TX Man Unsure Whether to Let Cousin Die From Complications or Sue Her For Getting Abortion

Ohio Creates Tampon Cemetery for Grieving Almost Mothers

AHOLE RIVER COUNTY, OHIO — The State of Ohio has contracted with a city’s cemetery to provide burial plots for used tampons. “Here in Ohio we value all life, which is obvious because of our new fetal heartbeat abortion ban,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told local newspapers today. “But we value life so much… Continue reading Ohio Creates Tampon Cemetery for Grieving Almost Mothers

Tom Cotton Can’t Wait to Be All Up Inside Your Pussies, America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Maybe it won’t happen. In order for it to happen, not only does President Donald Trump need to win re-election, he would need to select Senator Tom Cotton over every other name on the president’s shortlist and make it through a confirmation process in the Senate. But if all those stars align,… Continue reading Tom Cotton Can’t Wait to Be All Up Inside Your Pussies, America

Trump’s Aborted Fetuses to Speak at Pro-Choice Rally

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The aborted fetuses of President Donald J. Trump have announced they will be attending and speaking at a pro-choice rally in the nation’s capital over the weekend. When word broke that Trump had decided to become the first sitting president to participate in the “March For Life,” an annual anti-abortion protest rally,… Continue reading Trump’s Aborted Fetuses to Speak at Pro-Choice Rally

Texas Democrat Authors Bill That Would Sentence Masturbating Men to Death

AUSTIN, TEXAS — Republican lawmakers in the State of Texas are trying to get a bill passed and onto the governor’s desk that would criminalize all abortion procedures without any exceptions. Because capital punishment is legal in Texas, it is entirely possible that one outcome of this legislation would be for a woman to be… Continue reading Texas Democrat Authors Bill That Would Sentence Masturbating Men to Death

Fully Aroused Mike Pence Just Staring at Maps of Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, and Missouri

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Mike Pence has spent the last 36 solid hours just staring at maps of four states — Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, and Missouri. According to several sources close to the situation, Pence is in a fully turgid, completely aroused state. “Mmm,” Pence could be heard groaning, just barely audibly. “Mmmhmmm. Love… Continue reading Fully Aroused Mike Pence Just Staring at Maps of Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, and Missouri