WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz (R-MAGAstan) played a key role in hyping up the Big Lie told by the former president of the United States, claiming that Joe Biden and the Democrats cheated him out of a second term. For weeks after the election was held, and even after the states had certified their counts and dozens of lawsuits had been thrown out, Cruz was one of several prominent elected Republicans pushing the myth of a stolen election. Then, on January 6th, just days after Cruz spoke to a crowd of MAGA acolytes about fighting to overturn the election results, a violent, deadly attack took place on the capitol rotunda.
Since the day of the pro-MAGA terror attack on the nation’s seat of democracy, Cruz has been looking to sanitize his role in inciting it. However, this morning the Texas Republican tried another tack. Speaking on Fox News, Cruz suggested that, perhaps he and his fellow members of Congress “deserved to be insurrected.”
“Now, my Democrat colleagues may not want to admit this, but there’s a growing consensus among those of us on the truly American — you know, Republican — side that maybe we’ve been thinking about this domestic terrorist attack all wrong,” Cruz told the three automatons hosting the show this morning. “Maybe we deserved to be insurrected.”
Even the empty vessels of stupidity that are the Fox News morning team seemed stunned by what Cruz had just said.
“Senator Cruz, are you really suggesting that all of you in Congress deserved to be attacked,” asked the blonde female android. “Did we really understand you correctly just now?”
“Of course you did, VapidTron 3000,” Cruz confirmed. “For starters, we were all wearing finely tailored suits and clothing. That just rubs it in the face of so many beautiful MAGA-lytes that we make more money then they do. So in a way, you could say that the way were dressed, we were askin’ for it. Is it not provocative to wear clothing that PROVOKES a terrorist insurrection?”
Last week, we reported that Cruz was Secret Jewish Laser-focused on getting the impeachment charges brought against the former president dismissed on the grounds that he’s now a “private citizen.” Instead, Cruz wants to focus on impeaching Hunter Biden, the son of President Joe Biden.
“It’s time for the Democrats to accept that they won the election, and just forget all about that whole bloody violent insurrection thing from a couple weeks ago,” Cruz insisted. “No matter how many cops were killed because the mob was incited by the former president, he is a private citizen now and shouldn’t be harrassed by congress. Instead, we should be focusing on investigating Hunter Biden.” (The Pastiche Post)
Cruz will defend his seat next in 2024.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.