HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — It’s not often that Rev. Bill Millen — a self-described and branded “Televangelist for Trump” — finds himself disagreeing with one of the most famous and influential fellow conservative evangelical leader, but this morning Millen told his tele-flock that he’s found himself in that precise position. Millen told his Monday podcast audience that this weekend he read a news story about Pat Robertson’s belief that the novel coronavirus currently beseeching the nation is the result of the 2015 Supreme Court decision on marriage equality.
“This is very clear to me, folks, God has made it very clear to me,” Robertson said gravely. “The Supreme Court ruled to allow the gays to get married, and poof! Five years later we get this pandemic. It’s so obvious to me, and I’m sure it is to you. Let me ask you this simple question — was there a coronavirus outbreak in this country before we had gay marriage? I rest my case.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Much to his “surprise and chagrin,” Millen says he “disagrees quite a bit” with Robertson’s assessment. While he too believes that COVID-19 is God’s wrath unleashed, he believes it was “highly likely” God was punishing America for allowing Congressional Democrats to impeach President Donald Trump.
“He’s God’s chosen one. So, while I think it’s entirely possible that God would be so irate about the 2015 Supreme Court case that legalized gay marriage,” Millen told his congregation, “I just don’t think he’d be as mad about that as he is about Democrats thinking they’re more powerful than he is, and trying to remove the person he literally chose to be our Dear President. With all due respect to Rev. Robertson, I just think he might not be totally thinking straight on this one, that’s all.”
Rev. MIllen agrees with Robertson that gay marriage “is bad enough in at of itself” for God to feel justified in killing what could be upwards of a quarter of a million people with the coronavirus. He just doesn’t think at this point in time that God would be the same level of upset with gay marriage as he with “insolent snowflake cucks” trying to “do a coup on the Chosen One.”
“Gay marriage is bad, sure, but nothing is worse then basically telling God you’re impeaching his guy,” MIllen insisted. “And for what? Extorting foreign governments into corrupting our elections? Trying to hold him so-called accountable? Nothing pisses God off like uppity libtards tryin’ to undo our elections using fully constitutionally mandated and protected powers given to them, does it, fam?”
At several points in his broadcast, Millen reiterated that he “generally agrees” with Robertson that God is likely “pretty pissed off” about gay marriage. Millen even acknowledged that in the Bible itself, Jesus Christ tries to distance himself from human politics. Ultimately, though, he thinks that when God “personally chose Donald Trump to save humanity, He made it very clear not to fuck with his shit.” Millen thinks that it’s likely God will “eventually get around to smiting America” for gay marriage, just not until after he’s doing smiting everyone with COVID for impeaching Trump.
“Don’t get me wrong — Pat’s right. God’s wrath ledger is long and goes way, way back. You can’t get out of his punishments, no matter how long it’s been,” Millen conceded. “But I think it’s pretty obvious he’d be way more upsetter about you impeaching his Chosen One than he would be about the gays getting married. I’m just saying that he’s prolly gonna have to circle back around to smiting us for gay marriage after he smites us for the sins of the Democrats. They shoulda known better, attacking our president with wanton responsibility for his actions like that!”
Rev. Millen admits that even his theory as to why God is punishing America with COVID-19 has “a few holes” in it.
“You might ask me, friends, how do I know God is punishing America for the actions of the treacherous Democrats,” Millen admitted, “when the virus isn’t just contained to the United States. Well, I’ve thought long and hard, and I think the answer is kind of simple. Basically, God is warning other countries not to participate in any witch hunts. God’s basically saying, ‘If you don’t like this, you’ll never help those terrible cretins the Demon-Rats harm my Chosen One.’ It’s so simple, I’m a little ashamed I didn’t think of it sooner!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.