How to Tell If You’re an Asshole Part Forever: You Think ‘Social Justice Warrior’ Is An Insult

Oh, The Internet. What I do without your ability to expose me to the rot-gut intellectual “thoughts” that come out of certain stops on the bus route from Hell that is American Politics.

I grew up in a very religious, very conservative household in the Reagan 80’s. We embodied as a family unit every aspect of the Moral Majority you could possibly imagine. Reagan wasn’t worshiped per se in our home, but he was loved like any grandfather would be. Trusted beyond all doubt. I bring this up because I feel like I need to point out that I can recognize regressive, asshole bully behavior so easily because I was made to feel that those things are normal for so long. And nothing proves me to just how far we have to come than when I see neo-Libertarians — libertarians that haunt Facebook spouting nothing but socially conservative and regressive talking points and puppet Heritage Foundation papers on the economy — discussing what they call Social Justice Warriors.

What’s a Social Justice Warrior? According to libertarians, it’s someone who fights for a cause they believe in, often as part of the larger group they are fighting to get redress for. In other words, every feminist on Tumblr they call an “SJW.” Every member of Occupy Wall Street is an “SJW” to them. You see, even though they congregate in large groups for massive ideological circle-jerks on their various Facebook pages and message boards, they despise groupthink and “Cultural Marxism” — a term that you can just hear Rush Limbaugh repeating over and over again ad nauseam for a years at a time — and therefore feminists are all Feminazis…and yes, they still use that horrid and meaningless term coined by Limbaugh to mean any female who dares to look at culture and society and go, “Uh, just because I have tits doesn’t mean that shit gets to happen.”

They claim that it’s SJWs who are ruining this country by crying foul every time an Evangelical business owner decides that making those uppity gays a cake would violate in their shop that is open to the public, uses publicly-funded roads, cops and firefighters and is therefore not a private entity operating in private with privately held belief structure. They say it’s SJWs who are ruining America by daring to say that the right to an abortion is still something the Constitution protects for all women. They get stuck on idiotic catchphrases like “The War on Women” instead of digging deeper and actually thinking about whether or not someone else in the world might actually suffer under the yolk of systemic and codified oppression created by people being able to “freely associate” as they please. They don’t think the state has any reason to be concerned about two gay dudes not getting a wedding cake, even though there is more than enough of evidence of the kind of devastation caused by selective discrimination being encouraged in businesses, and so how dare any American citizen exercise their right to free speech to bring attention to an issue that bothers them?

All those Social Justice Warriors wanting to make a better world…how dare they? Don’t they know they always fuck things up?

There’s that one SJW, Jesus H. Christ. He was just convinced that the Old Testament ways of doing things were antiquated and many were barbaric. He had this crazy notion that the lowest among us is worth being treated like the richest and powerful people get treated. He was a radical Middle Easterner with bizarre notions that feeding the hungry, healing the sick and loving your neighbor were more important than amassing worldly riches in a vain attempt to buy your way through the Pearly Gates.

Clearly, anyone who hates SJWs hates the shit out of that Jesus guy.

Then there were those two real big jerk-faced Social Justice Warriors — Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman. Man, what kind of jerk-ass agitators do you have to be to demand that the South give up a vital pillar of their economy, just because it involves the wholesale treatment of human beings like livestock? Didn’t those SJWs realize that the free markets are far more vital and important to a country’s character than silly things like human rights? And beside that fact, just because slavery had been dead for three decades in Europe prior to the Civil War, that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have one day eventually decided to do the same thing here. Geez, what were all those abolitionists and former slaves so angry about? What’s another few months, years or decades of slavery really going to hurt, I mean really…

Oh, and don’t even get me started on that SJW named Susan B. Anthony. Excuse me, Ms. Anthony, but our country was trundling along just fine for almost 150 years before you had to go getting all Femi-Nazi and acting like women not having a voice in their own governance was somehow indicative of a glaring hypocrisy built right into our country’s founding documents. Oh, boo hoo, you couldn’t vote! So what? Don’t you see, that’s what the menfolk are for — voting, hunting and gathering? You are a female and therefore a) incapable of thinking about an issue in the right way to vote the right way and b) should be focused more on making pies and other baked goods, preferably shoeless and sockless and carrying my child.

Then there’s one of the biggest SJWs of them all. That guy that was such an irritating SJW that we celebrate his birthday every year and kids are taught his speeches in class. What an utter moron he was, demanding that clearly racist laws created purely for the purpose of keeping his race under the thumb of the white elites be struck down. Only an arrogant SJW would dare to tell other Americans they can’t use their freedom to associate to bar him and his friends from simply sitting in a public place and enjoying a meal in front of other people. Only and SWJ jerkfaced a-hole brain would think that Jim Crow laws were so egregious in their naked aggression to the black community they were literally worth sacrificing his own life to change.

Martin Luther King — Social Justice Warrior, and obvious Bringer of Ruination to America.

So now that we’ve established through some of the thickest sarcasm I’ve painted a piece with in quite some time that some of the most revered people in human history would have been labeled as Social Justice Warriors by the forces of status quo repression in their day, can there be any denying who the modern-day equivalent of those repressive forces are? The point I’m trying to make here is that if you find yourself calling people Social Justice Warriors as if that’s a bad thing — you’re wrong.

You’re wrong for encouraging people to sit right back and fucking do as they’re told. You’re wrong for encouraging blind allegiance to the “traditions” that allow for people to be abused at the hands of those in power. You’re wrong for thinking that someone doesn’t have the right to take their principled stance on an issue that is vitally important to them to the highest levels of government if they need to. You’re wrong for insisting that people who “whine” about change never do any good. And I’ve given you just a smattering of obvious and glaring examples of Social Justice Warriors doing tremendous good for society.

And yes, I would advocate for every homophobes’ right to stomp and stamp in the streets as they demand the right to discriminate again. Because the thing is — it’s up to you at that point to make the argument that people agree with and get them on your side. There’s a reason that people like Dr. King were successful. He politicized an issue that had a very obvious morally sound answer to it, no matter how much the powers of the status quo tried to force him to quit his bellyaching. If King had been marching to keep people cowed and under the thumb of repression, he’d have been far less successful in carving out his unique and important place in history.

Call me an SJW all you want. I’ll wear that label like a badge of honor so fucking huge, bright and shiny you’d think it was the sun God created 6,000 years ago to orbit our planet. I’m not ashamed to be associated with a long line of Americans who called “bullshit” on the establishment. And call me crazy, but being classified as someone who is willing to stand up for the liberty and freedom of all humans, not just those I personally identify with isn’t an insult at all, and you’re a complete asshole if you think it is.

Now go back to the five and dime and buy yourself a real social conscience.