THEOCRACY MOUNTAIN, TENNESSEE — In the state of Tennessee, pro-life forces are growing tired of other red states getting all the press and headlines about their abortion bans, and Republican lawmakers in the state believe they may have found a way to trump all the others.
In recent weeks, abortion bans in Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, and Ohio have been passed. Even though the right to an abortion was considered settled constitutional case law since the landmark 1973 Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, social conservatives have been plotting a way to tilt control of the high court in their favor, precisely so that Roe can be challenged directly. With Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s successful effort to pilfer a Supreme Court pick from the previous black Democrat administration, he helped cement the court’s ideological bent, and further pushed it right with the confirmation of Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was the most highly contested appointment to the court in a generation, barely passing his confirmation process with a handful of votes.
In Tennessee, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) was speaking at a prayer breakfast earlier today. He announced that pro-life conservatives in his state have decided to push for a ban on abortion that would set the legal line of demarcation further back than any previous law, even before Roe vs. Wade was decided. Tennessee Republicans want to ban all sexual activity in the state as a means to ensure there is never an abortion performed in it again.
“Some folks tell you life begins at conception, and that is true, of course,” Thompaulsen told the congregants at First United Baptist Church of Tennessee today. “But that leaves ideological wiggle room for libtarded, commie-socialist Americans to get abortions BEFORE conception, and gosh darn it, I’m not going to let that happen on my watch. The only way to stop this whole abortion nightmare fully is to stop having sex completely.”
Thompaulsen says that he and his colleagues considered just making it illegal for liberals to have sex, but then they realized “sometimes liberals are sneaky and disguise themselves.”
“You might be out on a date and all of a sudden she tells you, out of the blue, she doesn’t think rape victims should be forced to birth rape babies,” Thompaulsen said, “and the next thing you know, you’re wondering if you know your cousin that well at all! They’re sneaky AF, those libtards, fam. You gotta be on the watch.”
So, the only viable option to completely end abortion in the state is mandated celibacy.
“We all know that the only way to truly prevent abortion is abstinence,” Thompaulsen said. “There is nothing that says ‘liberty’ or ‘freedom’ better than state-mandated abstinence. Think of all the abortions that won’t happen in this great state of ours now!”
Rep. Thompaulsen was met with thunderous applause and cheers.
“That’s right! You get it! You understand that sometimes to beat our enemies we must completely eschew logic, common sense, and education! Because only elitists are smart,” Thompaulsen said. “We elect stupid people to show just how much we care about this country, and we enact stupid laws to show just how strong and perfect our morals are.”
Some worry that completely banning sex will drive Alabama’s population numbers into the ground, and could result in an economic nightmare if not enough young people are around to enter the workforce. Mr. Thompaulsen dismissed those concerns on an interview he did with WKKK’s Skip Shapperly on AM talk radio this morning.
“Kids’ll still get born. I have faith that God will provide a way. If God could make Jesus with Mary without having sex with her, he can do the same thing with thousands of loving couples all over this state,” Thompaulsen said.
Thompaulsen was asked by Shapperly if he’s worried about the sex ban impacting LGTBQ people or others in the state who don’t engage in “traditional heterosexual sex.” Rep. Thomapaulsen said he wasn’t worried at all.
“No, I’m not worried about that,” Thompaulsen said. “People don’t do any sex in this state except good, clean, Bible-sanctioned sex. We made sure of that with a law back in 1998. Just like all our laws banning drug use make it so literally no one uses meth in this state, especially not me, and I’m definitely not tweaked out as hell right now, I promise. Next question.”
This is a developing story.
&Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.