WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, Republican Congressman Rep. Justin Amash of Michigan became the first member of his party to call for the impeachment of President Donald J. Trump, following the Mueller Report. Amash tweeted shortly after the redacted report was released that he’d be taking a careful and considered look the report, and then make his feelings about it public. It took Amash, who is an attorney, a few weeks to publicize his conclusions, but when he did, he sent a shock through the GOP, becoming the first Republican to break rank and deem what the Mueller Report lays out Trump did as “impeachable conduct.”
Amash tweeted a thread of thoughts, opened with a statement of his “principal conclusions.” Essentially, Amash believes Attorney General William Barr lied to the American public about the report’s findings, is helping Trump cover-up his multiple misdeeds, and that his colleagues have not even read the report. Amash believes if more of his Republican colleagues had read the report, they would come to a similar conclusion about impeachment, and that could be the reason they haven’t read it yet.
Here are my principal conclusions:
1. Attorney General Barr has deliberately misrepresented Mueller’s report.
2. President Trump has engaged in impeachable conduct.
3. Partisanship has eroded our system of checks and balances.
4. Few members of Congress have read the report.
— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 18, 2019
Mr. Trump didn’t respond immediately, however not many were really very surprised when the president took time out of his busy schedule of golfing and retweeting far-right wing, gap-toothed, totally yoked-out conspiracy theorists like Tom Fitton of Judicial Watch, to slam Amash on Twitter. Trump called Amash a “lightweight” who “opposes” Trump as a way of “getting his name out there.” Amash is widely considered a true Constitutional conservative, but Trump believes he has an ulterior motive.
Apparently, Trump wasn’t content to harangue Amash on Twitter. Sources close to the White House are telling various media outlets that not long after Trump sent the tweets, he called Amash’s office and demanded to be connected to the Republican congressman. When Amash got on the line, Trump lit into him.
“Justin, you cuck! How dare you?! How dare you sir? I am a Republican, you are a Republican,” Trump shouted. “Same team, mother-effer! Same team! I’m not Previous Black Administration! I’m Current White Administration! Did someone not give you the rule book, son?”
The president didn’t give Amash a chance to respond; he just kept shouting.
“You took an oath, Justin! We both took an oath,” Trump said. “And you know who we took that oath to, don’t you, Justin?”
Amash was able to get two words in, a question.
“The Constitution,” Amash asked.
Trump laughed so hard he farted and reflexively blamed it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who wasn’t in the room at the time.
“Jesus Sarah! Open a window would you,” Trump yelled at the empty Oval Office. “Anyway, Justin, no, not the Constitution. What are you some kind of far-left, ANGRY DEMOCRAT? We both took an oath to uphold and defend the Republican Party!”
Rep. Amash tried to interrupt the president, but he just couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
“You and I took that oath, to protect our party, and our party would protect us,” Trump said. “And it’s worked really bigly good up to this point. I got a super-Republican AG who did us all a favor and pretended the Mueller Report completely exonerates me, which of course it does, so long as you have a dictionary with a totally different definition of ‘exonerate’ in it. Which, actually, I’ve got Betsy DeVos working on right now…replacing all the dictionaries in schools everywhere with ones that clearly spell out how very, very, very innocent I am.”
Trump reached into the Resolute Desk and pulled out a fried chicken breast from KFC and a small mirror. He chopped up the chicken with a nearby razorblade, pulverizing it into a powder. Trump leaned down over the mirror, placed a tiny finger over his left nostril, and sucked the powdered fried chicken into his right nostril.
“WOOO! That’s fuckin’ great baby,” Trump shouted. “Now, let’s get on the same page okay, Justin? Let’s be friends. Can we be friends Justin? I hope we can be friends.”
President Trump wouldn’t let Amash answer.
“If we’re friends, that means you wash my toadstool, I wash yours, know what I mean,” Trump asked. “Of course you do. So let’s put all this silly talk of impeachment away. Let’s all remember that party comes before country because without our party, we can’t ruin — excuse me, run, the country.”
Trump snorted another line of fried chicken.
“Look, I gotta go Justin, but I just wanted to remind you that you’re not a Republican unless I say so,” Trump said. “It’s in the rules. I looked it up. It says right in there that the president is the guy who gets to decide who’s a Republican. And, you know, Justin, I wouldn’t cross me. I can be a real big butt hole when I want to be. Which, who are we kidding, is all the time. So watch your back Justin. Remember your place. I’m the president, you’re a congressman. I’m pretty sure the Constitution says very clearly that makes you my subordinate, my employee. We’re definitely not equals. Don’t be dumb, Justin. Whoever said Congress and the president are equals? That sounds like some Democrat bullshit.”
Trump hung up the phone, snorted another chicken line, took his pants off, put his feet up on the desk, and farted up a storm for the next two and a half hours. Aides say it was the most productive day of his presidency thus far.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.