WASHINGTON, D.C. — This past weekend, residents in Hawaii were treated to quite a shock. In the early hours of Saturday morning local time, Hawaiians were sent emergency broadcast messages to their smart phones, warning them of an impending missile strike, and telling them the messages were not part of a drill.
The state employee who erroneously sent the emergency alert has been reassigned. However, many critics say this incident underscores the fact that thousands of Americans were scrambling in the wee hours of the morning to seek a bomb shelter, and that it was due in large part to how dangerous the heated, exacerbating rhetoric between North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and North American dictator Donald Trump has become.
Today, however, President Trump attempted to throw cold water on any criticism he might receive.
“This is not my fault, okay? I didn’t push the button. I just taunted an out of touch tyrannical dictator with nuclear weapons into an international pissing contest with missiles,” Trump said. “But you know, I heard someone suggest it’s the president’s fault, and I have to say, I completely agree.”
The Oval Office feel unusually quiet. Only the sound of Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ heavy breathing as she lustfully devoured a deep fried cheeseburger in the corner of the room could be heard. Huckabee swallowed loudly, not sure what her boss was going to say next.
“It’s the President of Hawaii’s fault,” Trump said. “And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the same guy who helped doctor previous BLACK administration’s birth certificates for them. I mean, is there really any surprise that this happened in the state that was a co-conspirator in putting a Kenyan Communist Sharia Voodoo doctor in this gorgeous White House, which we have made gloriously white again?”
The room was silent yet again.
“Exactly. That’s what I thought, too. So I got on the phone with the President of Hawaii and I let him have it, with both barrels,” Trump said. “To his credit, this guy seemed rilly smart and rilly good looking. Like, rilly, rilly, rilly bigly great, inside and out. And it definitely felt to me like he was taking in what I had to say, because he didn’t say a damn word the whole time I was on the horn with him.”
“I don’t think we’ll have any more problems from the President of Hawaii again,” Trump said emphatically. “But just, you know, remember that this whole missile warning fiasco is his fault, the President of Hawaii’s, not mine.”
Trump then turned on his smart phone, opened Twitter, and retweeted a tweet from a literal flaming cross, draped in a klan robe, and engraved with the Cornerstone Speech given by the vice president of the Confederate States of America, which is something everyone should Google for the next time someone tells them slavery had nothing to do with the Civil War…just sayin’.