Trump Promises Supporters He’ll Never Die ‘Like That Cuck Bush’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite prior tensions between the Bush family and President Donald Trump, the alleged billionaire and reality-TV host still ended up attending the state funeral of former President George Herbert Walker Bush in the nation’s capital, and even sat next to former President and First Lady Obama.

Below is video of the moment the Trumps sat down next to the Obamas, courtesy our sister publication, Alternative Facts.

Attending the event apparently had a powerful effect on the president, and today he spoke to the press about what he learned from the funeral, and he also gave a solemn promise to his supporters.

“It was truly an honor for all those people in that room, that’s for sure,” Trump told reporters. “I mean, how often do you get to be in the same room as me? I can’t tell you how honored everyone felt, but I’ve heard it’s the most honored anyone has ever been, that’s what they’re saying anyway, and who am I to argue with that?”

Trump said seeing the flag-draped casket that carried the remains of America’s 41st president got him thinking about his own funeral.

“I’d want my casket to have a flag draped on it too,” Trump quipped. “And I know Vlad won’t have any problem donating the flag, either! I keep telling people having a good relationship with Russia is going to pay off, and there’s one way right there — free casket flag for me. Bing-bang-boom, presidentin’!”

The subject of one’s own inevitable mortality is one that even a sitting president can’t avoid while attending funeral, and Mr. Trump was no different. However, Trump says that his supporters, who largely belong to the same political party as Bush did, should see one glaring difference between himself and Bush.

“I won’t ever die, never. I’ve been assured by people who I pay a lot of money that this is scientific fact,” Trump declared. “I will never die like that cuck Bush. It’s one of the perks of being the best physical specimen to ever hold this office.”

The president explained that people who paid attention to his first White House physical wouldn’t be surprised by his claim of immortality.

“As the good doctor said last year, I’m eight feet tall, weigh 239 pounds of pure, lean, cut muscle,” Trump said, “and I have a very normal, if not gigantic and very fulfilling penis.”

Early snap polls conducted by Rasmussen, Breitbart, and InfoWars show that 115% of Trump supporters believe he’ll never, ever die.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals