WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump 2020 Re-Election campaign announced this weekend that they have completely sold out of a special candle that was offered on the campaign website to donors who gave $500 or more. The candle, made of red wax, stamped with “Keep America Great 2020,” and produced in China under a copyright awarded to First Daughter Lady Ivanka Trump, is described as being scented in a way that “makes you feel like you’re in the room with the president after he’s had a great American meal of hamberders, fried chicken, nachos, taco bowls, hot dogs, and more fried chicken.”
More specifically, the candle is scented like President Trump’s butthole.
Sources say great care was taken to ensure that every candle truly carries the olfactory essence of Trump’s rectum. Experts in both chemistry and Trump’s butthole were brought in by the campaign to ensure that anyone who donated enough to get a candle would feel satisfied that, when lit, they were in the room with Trump, and he was “farting up a storm,” one campaign staffer told us via Skype. The Trump campaign brought in Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh, and “Judge” Jeanine Pirro to consult on the exact smell the candle would give off when burning.
“If you’ve seen any of their interviews with the president, you understand that they have a deep and personal relationship with Trump’s ass,” a campaign associate told the press this morning, “so we’re quite sure that anyone who donated enough to get themselves a candle will light theirs up and truly feel like they’re as close to the president as they could ever hope to be.”
Brad Parscale, Trump’s campaign manager and chief digital propagandist, said that he’s “never seen such a tremendous response” to any prize offered to campaign donors before. Parscale said that within moments of offering the special candle on the website, they had sold out, and many were snatched-up by congressional Republicans.
“I guess when you spend so much time around the president’s rectum, you’re bound to fall in love with the scents and flavors it offers,” Parscale tweeted. “Still, it was incredibly sweet of Sen. Lindsey Graham to pick up an entire case of them. He told me he plans to give them out at his own campaign rallies, and to anyone who comes and visits him.”
Parscale credits Trump’s “cult like, rabid, fanatical, foamy-mouthed, ammo hoarding” base for helping sell the candles out so quickly.
“They may not be able to count to twenty-one with their flies zipped up,” Parscale explained, “and they might be naive and dumb enough to believe a reality-TV conman who has bankrupted multiple businesses and couldn’t even keep a casino in the black could guide our economy well, but they sure do love their president. And many of them clearly fantasize about close enough to him to kiss his butt, which would give them an up-close and personal idea of what it smells like. Hence, we sold out of the butthole candles incredibly fast.”
The Trump 2020 campaign says they plan to have another batch of candles scented like the president’s cinnamon hole ready in the next couple of weeks. They anticipated a lot of interest in the candles, but not quite the level of interest they received, Parscale said. There are other special gifts the campaign says are in the works.
“Of course, we all know the president shits ice cream. He literally shits ice cream,” Parscale said, “and so we’re thinking of offering a pint of Trump’s shit ice cream to anyone who donates $1000 or more to his campaign, or $130,000 or more to his illegal hush money for women he’s fucked on the side fund. We’ll let everyone know as soon as we’ve figured out if the president can shit that much ice cream to meet what will surely be a historically high demand for it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.