Trump Congratulates White Janitor Who Cleaned Up After NFL Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, President Trump congratulated Nick Bosa, a college football player who was drafted by the San Francisco 49er football club of the National Football League. Some found the congratulations a bit odd, given that Bosa was drafted second, and not first, but it is known that Bosa is quite an outspoken proponent of the Trump Agenda.

Today, Trump offered some more NFL-draft related presidential congratulations.

“It’s with great honor that I congratulate the guy who cleaned up after the NFL Draft Day broadcasts,” Trump tweeted this afternoon. “I hear he’s just the white kinda guy this country needs in every job.”

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Mr. Trump didn’t praise the janitor by name, because he didn’t know it. Instead, he said later that he “heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend” who told Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders it was a white male. 

“Sarah never lies, no matter what the 18 trillion Bob Mueller Angry Democrat Total Exoneration from the Illegal Witch Hunt Fair Investigation Hoax Coup That Left Me In Power,” Trump tweeted. “So I trust her. If she says the guy is white, I believe her. Just like if she tells me water is wet, I definitely don’t go and take a shower just to be sure.”

Trump took the time to offer some more congratulations.

“I also want to congratulate snow, cocaine, wedding dresses, doves, cotton, and that stuff in the middle of Oreo cookies,” Trump said, “Not for anything in particular, just because it seems like the white thing to do.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

By James Schlarmann

Amateur burrito wrangler. Winner of zero lifetime achievement awards.

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