Trump Wants Congress to Declare Him President of the Confederacy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Before becoming the 45th most intelligent President of the United States ever, Donald Trump was an alleged businessman. Throughout the 1970’s, 80’s, 90’s, and the first part of the 21st century, Trump projected an image of a savvy business tycoon, though tax records reported on by The Failing New York Times last year showed that he claimed about a billion dollars in losses that he used to carry over several years, effectively wiping out his tax liabilities. Famously, it was reported that in two of the years he was in the White House, Trump paid just $750 in federal income tax.

Regardless of his actual business acumen, Trump still likes to fancy himself a good negotiator. Some might look at his failed trade war with China, and his flaccid, pointless, deals with North Korea that still left them enough room to continue testing nuclear weapons and think he’s not good at making deals, but in Trump World, he is nothing short of the greatest dealmaker to ever live. So perhaps that’s why outgoing President Trump sent an email to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R) this morning, seeking to “make a bigly deal” on last year’s election.

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“Mitch, I know that technically I lost because of that whole vote counting thing, which I still say seems highly wrong, and very probably illegal,” Trump wrote to McConnell in the early hours of the morning, “but I had an idea. Hear me out, because I think it would make my glorious MAGAs happy, and give those cuck Democrats what they think they deserve just because they won an election, which again I say they cheated in by counting votes but whatever.”

Trump proposed that McConnell “think outside the McNugget box” and do something that has never been done before — simply declare him president. However, it’s not the President of the United States that Trump wants McConnell to make him. It’s the President of the Confederate States of America.

“Think about it Mitch! The CSA has been without a president since that Tyrant Lincoln forced our hand at Appomattox,” Trump wrote. “The way I see it, we can just say that the 74 million votes I got qualified me to in something, and that after some careful research or whatever, it turns out I get to be the president of the CSA. If you ask me, this is probably the best idea I have ever, ever had.”

President Trump argued in his email that “most MAGAs would be just has happy” with him being the president of the Confederacy as they were the last four years.

“Let’s face facts, Mitch, our party’s voters would probably rather the Confederacy have won in the first place,” Trump said. “Talk about a win-win! We get to avoid being called losers,a and correct me if I’m wrong, but this would qualify for making the south rise again, wouldn’t it?”

As of the time of publication, McConnell’s office had yet to respond to Trump’s proposal.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

By James Schlarmann

Amateur burrito wrangler. Winner of zero lifetime achievement awards.

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