WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s not really a secret that President Donald Trump’s administration is doing everything it can to downplay the number of Americans who have died as result of COVID-19 complications. Because his reelection seems to hinge so much on the country’s economic performance, pushing Americans back to work and encouraging them to treat the novel coronavirus as something less serious and not as life threatening has been the focus of the White House.
As part of their campaign to minimize the impact of COVID-19 in the minds of the American people, Trump and his surrogates have begun to push a narrative that the only reason the country is seeing a a continued spike in new cases is that testing has been ramped-up so thoroughly. The Trump administration has been arguing that it’s a simple matter of more tests equating to more positive results. While this is an assertion that many in the medical community have strongly pushed back on, the official line from the White House has not changed.
Trump has often responded to questions about the surge in cases with the explanation about the number of tests also going up. However, this morning while pacing around the White House halls, some reporters found him and talked to him about healthcare in America in general. President Trump told the press pool he’d been “doing some bigly thinking” about that subject, and after consulting with absolutely no doctors, he had some theories about how to cure some of the worst diseases plaguing humanity.
“You know, this whole medicine thing? It’s hard. It’s really complicated. Who knew, you know? Who knew this could all be so complicated,” Trump asked rhetorically. “I tell you what, if a big beautiful brain like mine can’t grasp it all, I think we need to have people, like, go to school for a long time and really intensely study medicine and stuff before we certify that they can be doctors. Has anyone thought of that before me? Prolly not.”
Trump reached into his pocket and pulled out what he called his “thinkin’ Twinkie.” He opened the package and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. A moment later, he was reaching into his other pocket for a “thinking berder.” Once he’d finished eating the hamburger, he continued speaking.
“That being said, I have had some thoughts recently about cancer. Anybody heard of that before, cancer, I mean? I’m sure I’m probably blowing your minds with this right now,” Trump continued, “but there’s thing called cancer, and it’s like, really, really bad, okay? Kills thousands of people every year, cancer does. And every year it just seems like people keep getting cancer, maybe even more people get cancer than COVID!”
Just then, Trump got a text from his daughter, First Lady Ivanka Trump. The president told the reports his daughter had just texted him. As he read the text, he absentmindedly started rubbing his crotch and moaning.
“Mmm. Mmm. She’s so hot,” Trump mumbled. “Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right, cancer! It’s bad! Really bigly bad, I tell you! But I think if we just tested less, like if we did fewer cancer screenings, there wouldn’t be anyone with cancer. If that’s not curing cancer, what is? Has anyone ever thought about doing that? Just, you know, don’t screen for cancer, and you cure it?”
Nobody could answer the president’s question.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.