WASHINGTON, D.C. — A feud between two entertainers and the President of the United States erupted on Twitter last night after the most powerful man in the free world used his official social media account to blast John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen. Mr. Trump was apparently unnerved and insulted that Mr. Legend didn’t heap enough praise on the president for signing a criminal justice reform bill earlier in the year.
Despite the fact that Ms. Teigen didn’t say a word in the special, or was she even mentioned, the president lashed out at her specifically, calling Teigen Legend’s “filthy mouthed wife.”
…..the importance or passage of Criminal Justice Reform. They only talk about the minor players, or people that had nothing to do with it…And the people that so desperately sought my help when everyone else had failed, all they talk about now is Impeaching President Trump!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 9, 2019
Ms. Teigen used her own Twitter account to clapback at the president. She chastised him for not directly tagging her in the tweets, implying that Trump was too afraid to attack her directly. Teigen called Trump a “pussy ass bitch” and the hashtag #PresidentPussyAssBitch trended for some time.
lol what a pussy ass bitch. tagged everyone but me. an honor, mister president.
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 9, 2019
Upon waking this morning, aides say that the president was still in a fit of rage and determined to exert his presidential powers on the celebrity couple. The president reportedly convened a special cabinet meeting where any number of solutions were discussed. The president asked if a tactical nuclear strike was on the table.
“You know, treat them like a hurricane and just target a nuke at their house,” Trump asked rhetorically.
Aides quickly reminded the president that the fallout from even a “tactical” nuclear weapon could be devastating.
“But, California didn’t give me any Electrocuting College votes last time. What do I care if we blow up California,” Trump asked. “I say we go nook-you-lur on them right now. NOW NOW NOW!”
The president stamped his feet. He held his breath. But still, aides wouldn’t sign off on a nuclear attack against John Legend and Chrissy Teigen. The president was angry, and he consoled himself with a bucket of KFC and a Big Mac combo meal from McDonald’s. After about fifteen minutes of angrily stuffing food into his face, the president got a look of deep concentration on his face.
He snapped and farted at the same time, expelling the thought from his brain and out of his mouth.
“We deport them. We deport them both,” the president shouted. “That’s the most brilliant goddamn plan I’ve ever heard! Why thank you sir! You’re very welcome, kind sir! You know, you’re very attractive. So are you! I kinda want to put you all the way inside my mouth. I kinda want to let you. Okay, I’m going to.”
Sources say White House staff was able to eventually wrestle the president’s phallus back into his pants and convince him to try giving himself fellatio another time.
“You heard me, folks. I want ICE to deport John Legend and his foul-mouthed motherfucking cockfaced goddamned shit-dick wife,” Trump said. “How dare she use locker room talk about me? Unfair! And also, more importantly, illegal! She’s not allowed to just criticize me!”
Just then, an aide whispered in the president’s ear. Whatever he said enraged the president’s temper and he smacked the aide away. He has a habit of doing such things with his staffers and protocol droids, one source told us.
“There was a time when a bounty hunter brought someone in to negotiate a finder’s fee,” our source told us, “and whatever that poor droid said to the president really made him made. He smacked him right off the dais, and for a moment or two, we all thought that droid was headed down to the rancor pit under the Resolute Desk.”
When administration officials told the president that both Legend and Teigen are Americans who cannot be deported, his outrage grew even further.
“Umm. Excuse me? They’re not more American than the Americans who voted for me. All they have is more pig-mint in their skin,” the president said, “and I’m pretty sure we can put them in jail for that. Isn’t there some kind of fugitive slave act thing we can get him on? And I’m pretty sure the Chinese Exclusion Act is still very legal and very cool.”
The president opined about “where the country is headed” if he can’t summarily deport a “couple of browns or Asian browns.”
“I mean, hello? This is America still, right? Or is it? Sometimes I wish I had been president during the Civil War,” Trump said, “because I’d have won that war against Lincoln, and now presidents could deport anyone they want to! I mean, they sure do look like a couple of people I should be allowed to deport, don’t they? Why isn’t that good enough justification?”
Once more, the president was told how offbase he was. Since the 13th Amendment’s adoption, slavery is illegal, and Teigen is not Chinese, or even of Chinese descent. Her mother is from Taiwan and her father is from Norway. The commander in chief said “close enough” and began drawing up her deportment papers on a cocktail napkin.
“You get her the hell out of my country! You hear me? This is my country! It’s in the constant-tootin’! It says right there I’m allowed to say what I want and it’s officially MY country,” he shouted. “You get them both the hell out of here right now!”
The president threw the crumpled up napkin at his staff. One of them picked it up and shuffled out of the Oval Office with it. Reportedly, it wound up in the same place all of the president’s more outlandish orders end up — the paper shredder.
The president is currently napping on the bosom of his First Lady.
“Once Ivanka got here, he calmed right down. She put him on her breast, and he went right to sleep,” one aide told us.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”