Trump Claims He Never Would’ve Said Dorian Would Hit Alabama If He Knew Where Alabama Was

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An irate President Trump shouted at reporters on the front lawn of the White House this morning, demanding that “everyone, everywhere” issue an apology for insulting him over the weekend, stating emphatically that he’d never have mistakenly said Hurricane Dorian was going to strike Alabama if he “knew where that dumb state was anyway.”

As Dorian made its way north toward the United States, Mr. Trump tried warning residents of states that would be impacted, including Alabama. However, the national weather service had to issue a correction, stating that Alabama was not, at that time, in Dorian’s projected path. Rather than ignore the issue, or politely admit his mistake, Trump blasted media outlets that reported on the situation, and doubled-down, saying that according to “certain original scenarios,” Alabama was in harm’s way.

Trump took to Twitter and blasted ABC News as well as their reporter, Jon Karl, for his report.

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Apparently not satisfied with just his tweeted explanation, Mr. Trump was shortly thereafter seen skulking about the front lawn of the White House. He told reporters he’d ordered Marine One to come pick him up so he could fly to the nearest McDonald’s and get a “Big Mac or three.” Trump said he was “stress under-eating” because of all the hubbub over his Alabama hurricane flap.

“First of off, I have to remind all you fake news enemies of the people that you really don’t have the right to report the facts any time you want,” Trump said, literally scratching his ass with a copy of the Constitution, “especially and particularly if those facts make me look objectively bad and/or hurt my feelings.”

Farting loudly, Trump continued.

“Second of off, there is like, no way I would’ve said Alabama was gonna be hit if I had even the most remote clue where the fuck it is,” Trump shouted. “Okay? Alright? It’s not my fault that I confused Alabama with another state! How could I remember where Alabama is? It’s not like they gave me any Electoral College votes, right?”

An aide leaned over and whispered into Trump’s ear. The president open-handed smacked the intern right on his face.

“Apparently, this jerky jerkface — who will not be working for MY administration much longer, just informed me that I did, in fact, win Alabama last time around,” Trump explained. “But he knows better than to correct me and make me look bad in front of the ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE FAKE NEWS BOB MUELLER ANGRY NO COLLUSION CROOKED HILLARY DIRTY COP COMEY PRESS!”

The president farted once more.

“The point is, of course, that if I had known where Alabama was, I wouldn’t have ever implied they would be hit by the hurricane, which for the record, I lobbied really, really, really, really, really hard to get nuked,” Trump said, “and it’s not my fault there are so many states to remember! Fifty! Fifty damn states! Whose idea was what, anyway? Can’t we combine some of the smaller states, and the ones who are too dumb to vote for your favorite president, too? Back in 1992, when the country was being formed and the states were being choosed, I would have totally pushed to have, four, maybe five, tops. But fifty? Jesus Christ on a cracker!”

Vice President Holy High Inquisitor Mike Pence would later apologize to God profusely for Trump’s use of Christ’s name in vain. Trump would later go behind Pence’s back and demand that God tell his son to change his name so that the president was never tempted to use his name in such a way again. At the time of reporting, it’s unclear what resolution, if any, is in the works on that front.

“Let me make myself crystal clear, okay? I’m never wrong,” Trump said emphatically. “Ever. I never make mistakes. It’s literally impossible. My mom told me so, back when I was just a little boy. She said to me since we’re rich, the rules don’t and never will apply, and that I should, no matter what happens, always insist I’m right. What kind of fool wouldn’t honor their mommy’s wishes? Not me!”

Trump also blasted people who mocked or made fun of him for his mistake.

“Since when is it part of the job that the president has to know the names of all fifty states anyhow,” Trump demanded. “Try doing my job! Try listening to those boring intelligence reports! Try not grabbing a single, solitary pussy in over two years! This job is hard! FEEL BAD FOR ME!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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