Trump Praises Dow’s “Historic Alternative Spike”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average experienced its largest point drop in history, it’s largest intraday points drop, and when the dust had settled, it closed down more than 1100 points. Last Friday, the Dow closed down 666 points, and in early trading today the Dow opened to another stiff drop, but at the time of publication has rallied back to be up by 150 points this morning. However, three day losses have now totaled roughly 2000 points.

While most economists warn against doomsday predictions and call this a correction that could be expected after years of growth and low interest rates, coupled with a change of director at the Federal Reserve, there is no doubt cause for alarm for any American who has money in a 401(k) account, for instance, that the stock free fall will only continue and worsen. One man, however, is “bigly happy” with recent stock market performance, and that man is President Donald Trump.

“I was watching Fox & Friends from the throne in my Tweet Command Center this morning, and as I was wiping and about to flush, I heard them talking about the alternative spike the Dow had yesterday,” Trump said today while hosting reporters from Breitbart, InfoWars, and a random right-wing blogger who goes by “AlphaBoi Not-See 1488” as his nomme de Internet. “Apparently in the FAKE NEWS press they’re all freaking out, but that’s because they’re not winners, like I’m a winner.”

Trump explained that while “common people and fake news morons” might be worried about a continued sell off, he is not. Trump says that’s because he knows things about how business works, how the economy functions, that most people do not.

“Look, even if it all goes to hell and the market completely crashes, we have options,” Trump said. “For starters, we can just take the entire country’s economy to bankruptcy court. Anytime my bold and brave decisions have some how, some way managed to tank one of my many super-duper successful business, I just go to bankruptcy court, file a couple papers, and bing-bang-boom, I’m back on my feet.”

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The president elucidated a couple more options.

“Then, after we get the BK courts to absolve us, we do another tried and true Trump plan — call Mommy and Daddy for a loan,” Trump said.

An aide whispered into his ear.

“Oh, right, my parents are dead. Well, we call Russian oligarchs then,” Trump insisted. “That’s always worked for me, when Americans won’t trust me with their money. I just call Russian oligarchs…BUT NO COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION. YOU HEAR ME?! I SAID NO COLLUSION.”

President Trump explained that to him, though, there is actually no need for any action to be taken on his part.

“Again, though, nothing bad even happened. It was just an alternative spike that alternatively gained 2000 points,” Trump said emphatically.

As aides ushered the media outlets out of the Oval Office, Trump made one more point. He conceded that to some, the alternative spike might be concerning. However, he said he is definitely not to blame, despite trying to take credit for stock market gains since taking office last year.

“If those Democrats had simply smiled and applauded for me during my State of the Union, maybe this all would not be happening,” Trump said. “You ever think of that? I have. All the time, really.”

This story is developing.

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