Trump Worried He Hasn’t Made The Murder Of School Children About Him Enough

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — This morning, President Trump was stopped by reporters as he existed the clubhouse, headed for the first tee on the course at his luxury resort in Florida. The pool was interested in getting more thoughts from him on the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida last week. The latest school mass shooting in the United States has cost 17 Americans, many of them students, their lives, and reporters were hoping to get some more insights and musings from Trump.

Since the shooting, the president has tweeted a handful of times about it. In one tweet, he seemed to chastise the victims and survivors for not reporting the shooter’s “bad and erratic behavior.” However, records and student accounts show the 19 year old shooter had been reported several times, and was even expelled from the MSDHS for fighting with an ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. It’s unclear whether Trump knew these facts before he tweeted, though he did tell reporters that was a possibility.

“They still haven’t started doing my morning briefs in pop-up book form, so I may have missed that shit,” Trump told the press.

In another tweet, Trump shared photos of himself and Almost First Lady Melania Trump meeting with the doctors and victims of the shooting at a hospital. Trump came under fire for the pictures that depicted him giving a thumbs-up and smiling. Trump explained this tweet this morning.

“I was just feeling so happy about having my picture taken, geez, what’s the big deal? When I walked into the hospital, everyone was so down and serious,” Trump said. “And I turned to Melania, and asked, ‘Geeez, who died in here?’ Fuck me, I guess, for wanting to spread a little cheer, and fuck me for understanding my withered, tiny thumb and my shit-eating grin are the most heartwarming things a victim of gun violence can see in the hospital.”

Finally, this morning, Trump tweeted yet again about the shooting. This time, he used the opportunity to assail the FBI and imply that they were too busy investigating Russian interference in the 2016 election to take action on the reports from concerned citizens about the shooter. Trump said the FBI needs to “get back to the basics.”

“Someone should tell the president that unlike him and those in his administration, the FBI can handle many, many, many things at once,” one anonymous FBI agent told us. “Also, they should tell him we can smell the Russian whore piss and Borscht on his breath from all the way over here at HQ.”

Mr. Trump was asked this morning if he regrets any of his tweets. He asked first what regret was. When reporters gave him the dictionary definition for “regret,” Trump just stared blankly.

“Nope, sorry, I’ve never felt that emotion in my life. My dear old confederate flagged draped daddy told me once that men of our wealth and stature don’t have regrets,” Trump said. “But why would I even remotely feel this ree-grate thing you’re telling me about?”

A reporter told him that some have felt he is making this tragedy about him. Trump laughed.

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“Am I not the most powerful man in the free world? Does that not entitle me to make everything about me,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Because I’m pretty sure the Conchtituchin gives me that right, and if it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure Stephen Miller will tell me it does, and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell will do nothing to dissuade me from that position.”

Trump said that he actually isn’t sure he’s made the tragedy about himself enough.

“Everyone loves me. My approval rating is something like 700%, at least among my supporters and Russian twitter bots,” Trump said. “I’m frankly worried I haven’t made this enough about me. What possible good can come from focusing more on the victims and survivors than on me? Aren’t I more important than a bunch of murdered school children?”

Stunned silence fell on the press pool.

“Exactly, I’ll take your silence as admission that I’m the most important person ever,” Trump said.

The president farted extremely loudly, extremely wetly, and he lifted his leg while doing it, making it very obvious who was farting.

“That was Melania,” Trump said matter of factly.

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