FART BREATH, IOWA — Standing on a stage in front of a cornfield, with hundreds of his most devoted, maskless and unvaccinated followers cheering him on, former President Donald Trump continued his apparent efforts to convince his backers not to participate in American democracy.
“I already told you all this, but I think you should just boycott the elections if they aren’t going to automatically declare us the winner. And by ‘us,’ of course I mean ‘ME,'” Trump riled up the Iowa crowd. “But the more I think about it, I don’t know that’s enough of a threat. I gotta be honest. I think we need to take it to the next level.”
Farting loudly enough for the PA system to pick it up and send it blasting through the speakers, Trump pressed on.
“I think it’s time we send a real message. They won’t let us win, even when we lose? Fine. Fuck ’em! No! FUCK ’em,” Trump howled. “I say, if they don’t fix 2020, and I mean PRONT-FUCKING-TO, then we walk. Okay? WE WALK. All of us!”
That’s when Trump explained what he meant, but only after farting for about sixteen solid seconds.
“Just renounce your citizenship! Leave the country! That’ll show them! Talk about winning,” Trump shouted, farting more as he did. “I don’t think it’s possible to win any harder than that! Just imagine it! All my beautiful MAGAs, all lined up, rushing out of the country, together. Just think about how much winning that is!”
Trump suggested expatriated supporters could all “huddle up somewhere in South or Central America.”
“Look, I’ll charter the plane. I’ll find us a remote village to live in. Hell, I’ll supply the flavored punch,” Trump suggested. “Just show up, and do exactly as I tell you to. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Doesn’t that sound perfect?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.