WASINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump hosted the CEO of Twitter in the Oval Office yesterday, and reportedly spent a great deal of the meeting asking about his follower count. During the meeting, Mr. Trump also apparently asked about one Twitter user in particular, a follower of his who Trump referred to as his “close, personal friend.”
“I have to ask, since we’re on the subject of follower lists,” Trump began, according to transcripts, “I have a guy I wanna ask you about. Good, close, personal friend of mine. Goes by the name of @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345. I really enjoy his tweetering, so why come he can’t have an account, Jack?”
Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s CEO, reportedly took his smart phone out and launched the Twitter app.
“Well, let’s just check on that user right now, Mr. President,” Dorsey told Trump.
Mr. Dorsey apparently agreed to the meeting after Trump sent two extremely negative tweets attacking the social media company for what he perceives as a bias against conservatives, and particulary himself. Trump accused Twitter of playing “political games” with his follower counts.
“Okay, so it looks like @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 was flagged as a bot account, sir,” Dorsey told Trump, confirming on his phone that the account in question was in fact purged as part of a large scale effort Twitter is making to reduce the number of automated accounts not associated with a real, live person from their platform. “See how it has 740,000 tweets in just two years on the site? Your friend would have to be tweeting several hundred tweets a minute to rack that kind of number up.”
Trump was reportedly incredulous.
“Umm, everyone who’s ever known me can tell you, and I’ll give you a list of three people to call as soon as we’re done here to back me, up, anyway, everyone knows that I don’t watch Star Wars,” Trump said. “I wouldn’t ever be friends with a damn robot.”
Dorsey explained that he wasn’t implying that @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 is an actual robot, but simply an account run by artificial intelligence programmed to parrot pro-Trump talking points in as convincing a way as possible.
“I happen to like artificial intelligence a lot more than real intelligence because people with real intelligence always end up figuring out how dumb I really am,” President Trump admitted for no reason whatsoever. “So, even though I swear to all that is holy that @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 is a real, true, red-blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing, good, clean, WHITE, American, even if he were a robot, which I’m not agreeing he is by the way, I still think I’d like that his intelligence is artificial.”
The president thought for a moment.
“In fact, if @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345’s intelligence is fake, he’d fit right in with a fake president,” Trump positied. “Also, my son Don Jr. doesn’t have any intelligence, real or artificial, so I’d be willing to disown him and adopt @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345.”
Trump paused, farted, and blamed it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was sleeping on a dog bed beside the Resolute Desk.
“Sarah! Naughty girl! She’s always farting, that Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” Trump said. “And if she denies it was her, the TOTALLY ILLEGAL BOB MUELLER EXONERATING WITCH HUNT COUP revealed she’s a total liar, so we can’t trust her.”
Mr. Dorsey once more tried to explain to Mr. Trump that @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 is not an actual living, breathing human being.
“Mr. President, I totally understand your concerns, but I have to tell you, @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 isn’t real,” Dorsey said. “He doesn’t get happy, he doesn’t get sad, HE JUST RUNS PROGRAMS.”
Trump laughed so hard he farted again, and shot Huckabee Sanders a chiding look.
“I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe you. He’s real. @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 is real. He’s as real as my love of Two Corinthians and not saying gross stuff about my daughter’s super-hot body,” Trump said. “He’s as real as my understanding of trade. He’s as real as the TIME Magazine cover I had created and put in my hotels, before I was on the cover. He’s as real as my billionaire status. But, you know what’s fake? The Mueller Report. Sure it exonerated me, but it exonerated me in such a mean way.”
It’s unclear at this time whether @JonnyAmerican4Trump12345 will get their account reactivated, but Trump has promised to hold his breath and stamp his feet until they do. This story is developing and will be updated as necessary.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.