Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don Jr ‘Disappointed’ Hunter Biden Used His Name for Personal Gain

If there is one thing that everyone knows about the crotch-fruit of Donald Trump, it’s that they absolutely loathe and despise any form of nepotism, and are outraged when they see someone using their famous name and wealthy, well-connected family ties for personal enrichment. Given the Trump family’s noted and documented aversion to nepotism, it’s perhaps no surprise that yesterday Donald Jr, Ivanka, and Eric Trump joined Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner in publishing an open letter that condemned Hunter Biden.

In the Trumps’ letter, they argue that Hunter should be “very disappointed and angry with himself” for trading on his family’s name, as the son of current President Joe Biden, for personal enrichment. The letter is reprinted below, verbatim.

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To Whom It May Concern,

We, the beautiful, uncorrupted, perfect children of the Greatest President of All Time wish to use this opportunity to express that we are all outraged, offended, and quite frankly just extremely disappointed in Hunter Biden, son of Sleepy Po-Peepy Joe Biden, who apparently gets to stay president just because he won the election, or whatever. Hunter Biden should absolutely be ashamed of himself, and of course we, the collective progeny of the Man Who Puts His Name On Everything He Owns Like a Dog Pisses On Every Tree He Sees are the exactly right people to call Hunter on the carpet for his rampant and unapologetic nepotism, which is a word we definitely know how to use and spell and wasn’t suggested to us by President Daddy’s speechwriter, by the way!

Ivanka was just telling Jared last night as they reviewed the dozens of Chinese copyrights she secured during her father’s tenure in office how sad she was seeing the reports that Hunter Biden might have used his name to increase his financial worth. She said that it’s the worst example of such a thing she can recall, though she admits that being dumb as shit, it’s possible she’s not remembering someone else being so brazenly nepotistic.

Eric was just telling his brother, Donald Jr, as they drove over to the Trump Organization together, after they flew into New York from Florida on a big plane with their daddy’s last name on it, how chilling and frightening it is to live in a world where there’s so much nepotism. It’s almost enough to make Eric want to stop stealing money from kids with cancer. Almost, but not quite, really.

We hereby demand, as the Trump Family, that Hunter Biden immediately stop using his father’s name for personal advancement. If he doesn’t, when our father gets back in office, he will make Hunter’s life a living hell! The choice is Hunter’s, but we hope he’ll take this warning seriously and stop profiting off his dad’s name!

Sincerely,

Donald Trump Jr, Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Jared Kushner-Trump

P.S. How’d we do DADDY?!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.