Trump Demands MySpace Make Him Part of Everyone’s Top 8

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today on the Hill, a House special select subcommittee hosted executives from some of the top tech companies in the country. Execs from Facebook, Google, Amazon, and Apple all testified before the committee, which has been investigating whether the companies have run afoul of America’s antitrust laws, which were famously used by President Teddy Roosevelt to break up the country’s oil company monopolies in the early 20th century.

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During the hearing, conservative lawmakers seemed more interested in pressing the CEOs about whether their companies discriminate against conservative viewpoints than whether they’ve broken antitrust regulations. The issue has become such a hot button topic for conservatives that the ones who align themselves most closely with President Trump have even tried leading a user revolt away from Twitter — the president’s most preferred social media platform — and to Parler, a site partly owned by pro-Trump disgraced ex-Secret Service member Dan “Six-Head” Bongino.

Just as the hearing began, Trump tweeted an attack on social media companies, seen below.

During the hearing, some Republicans seemed to think it was time to get personalized tech support. Congressman Steube, a Republican, demanded to know how Gmail works. He, and several others, were curious as to why they couldn’t just google a blog title name and have the specific article they were told about pop up on the first search result page. It was a long day of testimony, and each party had a chance to pillory the tech titans.

But just because he wasn’t in the hearing, that didn’t mean the president wasn’t paying attention. Around lunchtime, Trump convened an urgent cabinet meeting. It was determined through the course of the meeting, that a new presidential executive order was needed — this one targeted at a social media platform that managed to escape criticism from lawmakers today.

“With this order, I hereby command MySpace to immediately put me in everyone’s Top 8,” Trump said as he showed everyone in the Oval Office the order he just signed. “It’s really disappointing how few MySpace users have me in their Top 8. As president, I have a constitutional right to be everyone’s top friend and for them to like and follow me on Instagram.”

This is not the first time Trump has tried to use his presidential powers to bully social media companies. This year, we reported that he signed an order directing Facebook and Twitter to do everything in their power to only allow users to share content that make him look competent. Another previous order demanded that Twitter and Facebook force every single one of their users to like and follow him.

“As of this very moment, I am putting Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, Tinder, Grindr, and McDonalds dot com on notice,” Trump said, “Stop your bias. Stop your presidential disrespect. You are hereby ordered to force all your users to like and follow me, or else. There will be stiff and swift consequences for any social media company that defies this order, make no mistake.” (AltFacts)

Congressman Devin Nunes threw his full support behind Trump’s new MySpace directive.

“I’m so glad that I happened to be back there polishing Dear President’s taint so that I could be here for this momentous occasion,” Nunes said as he popped up from behind the Resolute Desk, “because I can just give you my gut reaction to this right here and now. I love it. In fact, I love everything this man does, and if you excuse me, I think I missed a spot on the royal bonch that I need to spit shine.”

Nunes disappeared behind the desk again.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.