WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump signed a resolution to stave off another government shutdown over the money he demanded for his campaign promised border wall, and simultaneously announced he was declaring a national emergency in order to secure funding Congress wouldn’t give him otherwise.
While many on both sides of the aisle have criticized the move as unnecessary, back in the Oval Office, his shoes kicked off and his feet up on the Resolute Desk, Trump waved off those criticisms. The president also gave a stern warning to Democrats. He will not hesitate to “address the next made-up emergency.”
“First of all, let me just say right now, this move is completely constal-tootin-al, okay? No matter what anyone says, I am the final decider on what is constal-toochin-uhl okay,” Trump said. “If I do it, it’s constitutional. Pretty sure we established that with Nixon. Anyway, no I’m not going to worry about any president I set with this precedential action.”
Trump reached into the resolute desk and pulled out a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke. The president twisted the cap on the bottle. Some air escaped, and Trump reflexively blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When his press secretary told him it was gas escaping from his soda and not her anus, he told she “probably did it another time and didn’t get chastised” so he wasn’t going to apologize this time.
“I’ll tell you all this much, too,” Trump told a reporter from Breitbart and the guy who writes stories for KKK pamphlets, “I’ve learned my lesson. I will never let the Democrats bully me into delaying action in my presidency again! You better believe I won’t wait two full years to address the next made-up emergency.”
Trump was asked about reporter Brian Karem, who pushed him during the Rose Garden announcement of the declaration of emergency to clarify the crime stats he was citing. During the presser, Trump seemed flustered when Karem pointed out that Trump’s own government statistics contradict his case for an emergency. The president waved his hand in the air in a kingly manner, cutting a very small swath of air as he did.
“There is no fact I won’t make up! There is no racist dog whistle I won’t blow,” Trump yelled. “There isn’t one law I won’t ignore! I’m sorry, but when you’re trying to solidify a base because you know the walls are closing in around your corrupt business empire and presidency, I think the American people demand that I not delay!”
During the Rose Garden announcement, Trump seemed to make quite a paradoxical statement. Answering questions from reporters, Trump admitted the could’ve “done the wall slower” but that he “wanted it much faster” and that’s why he declared the emergency. To many, an emergency that allows for a much slower resolution isn’t really an emergency. Again, Trump waved those concerns off.
“Yes, I could’ve done the wall much, much, much slower,” Trump said, “but I wanted to do it quickly. Every true emergency gives you two years to ignore it before addressing it, like cancer or AIDS!”
Before shooing reporters out for his “afternoon delight” with his “Should Be First Lady Ivanka,” Trump intimated that through this process he’s learned quite a bit, and that what he’s learned will be applied throughout the rest of his presidential term.”
“I learned my lesson, definitely,” Trump conceded. “If I’m going to make up an emergency, I need to be willing to see it through to its unnecessary conclusion much faster.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.