WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are saying that President Donald Trump was absolutely livid and flew into an emotional tirade when he returned home to the White House after his summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un because there was no “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging on it when he arrived.
“Hey, Sarah, what in the ever loving fuck? Where’s all the pomp and goddamned circumcision,” Trump asked angrily as he exited the limousine and headed into the White House. “Would it have killed you guys to put up a banner that says ‘Mission Accomplished,’ Sarah? I hear the Navy has them on standby for presidential pronouncements of victory”
Trump tweeted yesterday that the planet has “taken a big step back from potential Nuclear catastrophe.” His tweet said there would be “no more rocket launches, nuclear testing, or research.” However, independent analysts who have looked at what the two leaders actually signed are indicating that the president might be vastly overselling his hand. None of that mattered to him as he arrived back home, however.
“Doesn’t everyone around here realize what I just did,” Trump asked emphatically. “I just secured world peace, literally forever. I just made the most important, bigliest peace deal in the history of the world and you guys couldn’t even go down to Kinko’s and get a Mission Accomplished banner for me? Sad!”
Many have been quick to point out that North Korea has a long history of making promises to reduce tensions on the peninsula they share with South Korea, and to even denuclearize or end their nuclear program, but have always found an excuse to renege. Mr. Trump, his administration, and his surrogates seem completely unaware or unconcerned with this fact, however, and have treated the very basic outline of an agreement signed by Kim Jong Un and Trump like it was a binding deal with strong verification mechanisms.
“Well, if you’re not going to put up a banner for me, you better get on nominating me for one of those piss prizes,” Trump said.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders seemed confused.
“Piss prize? Sir, excuse me, but did you possibly mean peace prize, like the Nobel one,” Huckabee asked.
Trump laughed and farted, a sign that his staff had learned shows that he’s thinking.
“NO! I said what I meant. Call Uncle Vlad and ask if he can send one of his special Golden Ladies over to celebrate my historic achievement,” Trump ordered. “Oh, and, uh order up one of those Mission Accomplished banners anyway and we’ll hook up to the back of Air Force One while we do victory laps around the world!”