WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Air Force One directing the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department to establish a new squad of agents specifically tasked with arresting “Mexican or Mexican-ish, even Mexciany individuals” suspected of violating United States immigration law.
“I am ordering ICE, with the stroke of my mighty crayon, to create a new, special task force devoted to rounding up and deporting all the Mexican or Mexican-ish, even Mexciany individuals who are here illegally,” Trump said, “and it will be called ICE-S, because the S stands for ‘Specialized.'”
Trump said that “specialized” means that the new squadron will be specifically trained in “sniffing out Mexicans, even when they’re not raping, murdering, or drug dealing.”
“It’s hard to find the ones who aren’t out committing violent crime, that’s true. But we’re pretty sure if you just start first by looking at their skin tone, you’ve got at least 10 to 15 percent chance of catching an illegal Mexican,” Trump said emphatically.
President Trump indicated that his wife Melania’s visit to the D.C. Holocaust Memorial Museum during his Davos trip last year was a “bigly inspiration” for the new ICE-S squad.
Thank you @HolocaustMuseum for a powerful & moving tour that honors the millions of innocent lives lost, and educates us on the tragedies and effects of the holocaust. #WeRemember #AskWhy pic.twitter.com/za8MN6pKRZ
— Melania Trump 45 Archived (@FLOTUS45) January 25, 2018
“When I saw Almost-Vanka at that museum, it made me real curious about this whole ‘Hollow-Cast’ thing I keep hearing Stephen Miller telling people was a hoax,” Trump said. “So I did some digging, and it turns out his Hitter guy, I think that’s his name…Hitter…was he a baseball player? Anyway, this Hitter guy had some pretty bad ideas, but a couple of good ones, if I’m being honest.”
Though immigration from Mexico has been at a near stand-still for years, Trump built his campaign, and a large part of his presidency thus far, on further curbing inbound immigration from the southern border. Trump has insisted that a physical wall, estimates for building which push into the tens of billions of dollars, to put an even bigger kink in the paltry flow of undocumented people coming into the U.S. from Mexico.
“This ICE-S squad is really going to do bigly, yooge things for us. We can’t have an America First agenda until we first decide who’s really American, if you know what I mean,” Trump explained. “So they’re just going to help us identify, round-up, and get rid of people who just don’t feel or really look like Americans we trust.”
As to where the rounded-up immigrants accused of breaking the law will be housed while they await trial, Trump has a plan already.
“They’ll go into those totally not concentration camps that the totally unhinged loony left commie Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez visited,” Trump said. “It only makes sense to pool, or concentrate them into one area after we’ve rounded them all up for looking kinda Mexican-like.”
Reached for comment, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Trump’s plan is “sad, unnecessary and dangerous” but not enough for her to do anything about it.
“Doing stuff is hard. Saying stuff is easy,” Pelosi explained. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to get the results of an opinion poll on whether or not I should use any of the powers the Constitution gives us, or if it’s better to just assume a lawless, lifelong bully who never was held accountable will start acting the right way on his own accord.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”