Trump Confident He Could Run the Country From Rikers Island

FART-A-LOT-GO, FLORIDA — If he had to, former one-term, twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump is confident he could perform his old job duties from within Riker’s Island prison.

Speaking to radio host and Unevolved Moron Monthly’s Cro-Magnon of the Year for 2020 Dan Bongino, the former president said that he doesn’t think the multiple criminal investigations into the Trump Organization will “produce anything bigly” that he has to worry about, but if things were to develop that ended up putting him behind bars, he is sure he could run a presidential administration from inside a New York state penitentiary.

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“I tell you what, Dean,” Trump said, once again getting Bongino’s name wrong, “I think I’m gonna be just fine, and these New York anti-Trumpers won’t produce anything bigly with their fake news investigations, but even if they do find, like, evidence or whatever, and I go to Riker’s, I’d be just fine, and could even run for and win the presidency from there!”

Trump told Bongino that he’s studied how other high-profile leaders were able to still “send orders to their lackeys, flunkies, and strong men.” He’s “extremely confident” he could operate the executive branch of the United States government in a similar way.

“Remember that Mexican guy, El Chapo? Well, he ran his criminal enterprise from prison, and so can I,” Trump said. “Just call me…um…El Cheap-o!”

Trump’s former personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told OAN this morning that he agrees with the former president.

“Oh, I don’t see any reason whatsoever that Donald J. Trump could be president from jail,” Giuliani pontificated. “His base obviously won’t care. That’s the first thing. The second thing is that I am quite sure he’d be just as good at being president from prison as he was from the Oval Office.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) said he “fully supports” the notion of Trump running the country from jail.

“As far as I know, inmates don’t get access to social media,” Cruz said, “and considering President Trump has already been kicked off every social media site, he would have a leg-up on the whole thing. Of course, if I have my way we’ll have passed a law forcing Facebook and Twitter to let him back on, but even if we don’t, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.