WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s no big secret on the Hill that Donald Trump’s main objective as president has been to rollback, dismantle, and destroy in any way he can the legacy of his predecessor, Barack Obama, who Trump refers to privately, according to sources, as “the previous Black Administration.”
Trump has rolled back Obama era regulations in a number of areas, perhaps most notably when they are related to the environment. This morning, in the Oval Office, Mr. Trump signed yet another executive order designed to end one other Obama-era policy. This time — the recommendation that Americans keep breathing oxygen to survive.
“Apparently the guy before me, you know him, I call him Birth Certificate Boy, well, he went out in front of all the cameras and lights and stuff and told you, the American people what you should breathe,” Trump said as he signed the order. “As if, as Americans, you don’t have the right to breathe whatever you want!”
President Trump believes that Obama encouraging American citizens to breathe oxygen into their lungs and then exhale the carbon dioxide their body converts it into is “one of the worst deals for Americans” ever made.
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“What, just because some crazy, left-wing, liberal, DEMOCRAT, MAXINE WATERS, NANCY PELOSI, FAKE NEWS, 700 ANGRY DEMOCRATS, NO COLLUSION, CROOKED HILLARY, politician says so you have to listen to them,” Trump asked rhetorically and incredulously. “Kiss my Orange Tits! I say you breathe whatever the hell you want. Or, better yet, don’t breathe! Do you know how many people wouldn’t be on welfare anymore if they just stopped taking Obama’s stupid advice? We could give so many more huge tax breaks to the wealthy, fam!”
With a few short, compact, but swift strokes, Trump dragged the crayon in his hand over the order.
“There. Now the federal government no longer oversteps its boundaries, and you can breathe or not breathe whatever you want,” Trump said with a smug smile. “For a small suggestion — try something my people, who are the very best people ever, told me about once. They said, and I swear to God this has nothing to do with me paying them money, that the only thing they need to breathe is my farts. Something about how they smell like strawberries and heaven. I don’t know. You ask them.”
Trump exited the Oval Office, and walked right into the bathroom, where he tweeted and shat for the rest of the day.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.