WASHINGTON. D.C. — Reportedly, outgoing, one-term, permanently impeached, lame duck, never won the popular vote, President Donald J. Trump was absolutely livid when Twitter permanently banned him and suspended his account with over 80 million followers, some of whom weren’t even bots. However, ever the resilient pretend-businessman, within hours of having his Twitter account closed forever, Trump was already formulating a way to get back at Big Tech and he and his First Lady will now launch their own social media platform to get around what they feel is censorship of their thoughts and opinions on the major platforms.
The First Couple’s new business is being touted as a “MAGA-friendly paid social media subscription service.” They’re calling the new company and its website, “OnlyFams.” On the site, people will be able to pay and get paid for content they create and share only with their blood relatives. Much like another, similarly named website, OnlyFams will allow users and subscribers to partake in sexually explicit multimedia content.
“This is America, and we don’t want to impede anyone’s freedoms or liberties,” Ivanka wrote in a press release announcing the new website. “That’s why on OnlyFams, you’ll be able to see your cousin’s boobies, or your President Daddy’s penis. Whatever it is you want to see. We don’t judge you on OnlyFams.com!”
Not only will users be able to subscribe to see each other’s personal, adult content, they’ll also be able to sign-up for the add-on dating service OnlyFams will offer.
“Let’s just say, for totally hypothetical reasons, that you think your own daughter is hot enough to date,” Ivanka’s announcement supposed, “but you’re afraid of so-called society telling you it’s so-called gross to want to so-called see your so-called daughter’s so-called vagina getting so-called railed by your own, mangled, orange, mushroom-looking so-called dick? Well, on OnlyFams, now you and your entitled, enabling, complicit daughter can get your POTUS and FLOTUS on, so to speak, free from judgment!”
It’s been well-documented over the years that Ivanka and her father have a very close relationship. Throughout his presidency, Ivanka and her husband Jared have remained fixtures of the administration, sometimes to the chagrin of famous and powerful conservatives like 1999 Triple Crown Runner-up Ann Coulter. Last year, outlets reported that Ivanka decided to weigh-in on a hot topic and defend her father’s health and physical strength, insisting that he can both drink water with one hand and grab her ass at the same time.
“I’ve actually lost count of all the times he’s grabbed onto one of my precious, entitled butt cheeks with one hand,” Ivanka explained, “while the other was tweeting, or drinking water, or jerking off an autocratic dictator. He’s a very capable man, and can do all kinds of things at one time. So lay off him, you big mean jerks!” (PGC)
Users can begin to sign-up for OnlyFams accounts later this year.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.