Trump Wants Purple Heart for Getting Ego Bruised by Impeachment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a closed-door deposition this week, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman gave what some are calling damning testimony regarding the call between President Donald Trump and a newly elected Ukrainian president this summer.

The call, in which Trump attempted several times to extract a promise from his Ukrainian counterpart of a criminal investigation into the son of Joe Biden, Trump’s political rival, has become the eye of the impeachment storm threatening to blow away Trump’s presidency. Lt. Col. Vindman, a highly decorated war veteran, testified that he was gravely concerned with the call, and that he was a personal witness to it.

In recent weeks, Mr. Trump has blasted the impeachment inquiry currently underway in the House. He has insisted no one listening to the call thought there was anything wrong with it. In fact, Trump has said dozens of times publicly that he considers the call “perfect.” Apparently, Lt. Col. Vindman strongly disagrees, and actually heard the call firsthand, obliterating two Trump talking points in the process.

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While it might have seemed impossible in previous years and during previous administrations, a sitting president has openly attacked a Purple Heart recipient out of political animus.

It wasn’t just Trump who attacked Lt. Col. Vindman. Several of his surrogates and defenders did as well. However, the president seemed particularly offended when a reporter happened to find him sitting in the White House kitchen, eating a peanut butter and spam sandwich all by himself, and asked Trump about attacking a Purple Heart recipient.

“So what? He got a Purple Heart? Does that mean if Prince had attacked me I couldn’t go after him since he had a Purple Rain,” Trump asked, looking around for validation that he’d just zinged the reporter but finding none. “Getting a Purple Heart means you got wounded in combat, right? No, really, I’m asking because I’ve never been within five yards of combat, so I’m just asking.”

When the reporter confirmed that a Purple Heart is conferred upon those who get wounded in combat, Trump took a long, lingering bite of his sandwich. The president rocked to the left and lifted his leg a bit. A small, squeaky fart came out.

“Interesting. Very interesting. I’ve always found I like soldiers who aren’t wounded in combat more, but unto each their own,” President Trump explained. “That being said, I guess people are trying to tell me that I shouldn’t attack a Purple Heart recipient. That, in fact, Purple Heart recipients are never criticized too harshly? Do you happen to know if that applies for both political parties?”

The reporter nodded her head.

“Ah, good to know. Good to know,” Trump muttered as he pulled out a cocktail napkin and a big orange crayon, writing as he spoke out loud. “In honor of his sacrifice, courage, and braveness in the face of an unrelenting Constitutional Coup by Nervous Nancy, Shifty Schiff, and Bob Mueller’s 1.2 trillion angry Democrat mob, I hereby order a Purple Heart bestowed upon your 45th favorite president, me.”

Trump folded up the napkin, kissed it, and put it in his pocket.

“I know what you’re thinking, but I consider this impeachment coup a war,” Trump explained. “During this war, I have been bruised pretty badly. On my ego. Any one of my several hot wives would tell you that my ego is the biggest and most sensitive part, too. Just ask Ivanka! She’s seen it all, my daughter IVANKA. If I don’t deserve a Purple Heart for my wounded ego, does anyone really deserve one for fighting in a war? Think about it. I know you will.”

The president bade the reporter farewell after he pushed the rest of his sandwich as far into his mouth as he could. Trump could be heard humming “Hail to the Chief” as he swallowed the sandwich and ushered the reporter out of the kitchen. Trump turned around to make sure the light was still on in the kitchen because “conserving energy is for idiots who believe Chinese hoaxes.”

“Hail the Chef, cuz he just made me breakfast,” Trump started singing. “Hail to the chef cuz he used my favorite bread…Oh hail to the chef cuz he just made me pancakes! He also made me sausage, ham, bacon, and bacon wrapped sausage ham!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.