Michael Avenatti’s New Client Says Trump Sexually Assaulted Her In Front of Hundreds at CPAC

NORTH HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — The attorney who represented Stormy Daniels in multiple suits against President Donald Trump held a press conference this morning in front of a deli on Ventura Blvd. in the San Fernando Valley this morning. Michael Avenatti told reporters that he was representing a new client, and that his client was suing the president for sexually assaulting her in front of “hundreds of people in the room and thousands of people online and watching at home,” during this year’s Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) conference.

“You all saw it yourselves, if you were watching the president’s CPAC speech,” Avenatti alerted reporters. “I know that it might be hard to keep up with everything that gets said or happens during a two-hour long self-suck in front of hundreds of people in an auditorium, but the moment he sexually assaulted by client is right there, impossible to miss.”

Avenatti provided reporters with a clip of the president caressing, hugging, and being overtly romantic with his client, an American flag that was also on the stage during Trump’s speech. Mr. Avenatti insists his client “wanted nothing to do with” the president. The overt flirtation and physical embrace was “personally revolting” and the flag “almost puked red, white, and blue all over the president’s face.”

“The president moved on my client like a bitch, and grabbed her by the stars and stripes,” Avenatti said. “It’s like he just assumed that as a president, she’d just let him do it. This is a man who thinks he is above it all, and now my client can be counted among the dozens of women who have made similar claims.”

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The court filing show that the American flag is seeking damages of $150 billion.

“If that smirking MAGA kid’s family  can just make up wild sums of money he’s entitled to over a retracted, corrected reporting mistake, my client is entitled to make up her own numbers, too,” Avenatti insisted. “Fair’s fair, fam.”

Avenatti told reporters he personally feels it’s “grody to the max” how Trump behaved toward and treated his client.

“First of all, #MeToo, Donald, okay? Time’s Up. I don’t know if dude got the memo, but we do positive consent now,” Avenatti said, “always. No exceptions. No one is above the law or decorum and decency. But, also? Who the hell gets that sexually revved up about a piece of cloth anyway? Like, who knew one of the tenets of nationalism is wanting to bone a flag?”

The White House, in a statement, is pushing back against the allegations.

“The Constitution clearly gives Dear President the power to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants,” the statement, written by White House Policy Adviser Stephen Miller in blood samples taken from orphaned refugee children, states. “Frankly, the flag should probably be executed for treason against her Lord and President, if we’re being true to what the Constitution says we have to do. Check back with us in a couple of weeks and we’ll tell you where you can find it in there. We promise. You can trust us, as always.

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.