SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Twitter has officially declined to pull down tweets sent on their platform my President Donald J. Trump, despite them very likely breaching several of their own terms of service. Specifically, Twitter announced it would not be pulling down tweets Trump made about either a long-debunked conspiracy theory about MSNBC host Joe Scarborough, nor tweets the president wrote about the time he fucked Jack Dorsey’s mom.
Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, had reportedly asked the company’s IT team to remove the tweets Trump sent about having sexual relations with Dorsey’s mother. Even though Dorsey declined to have Twitter remove Trump’s tweets about Scarborough, according to several sources he was “hurt and angered” by Trump’s tweets insinuating a sexual conquest of Dorsey’s mother.
“In general, Twitter has very strict guidelines about what can or can’t be said on our platform,” Twitter junior media liaison Bethany Sax told reporters inquiring about Trump’s tweets today. “Which is of course why we like to brand comedians as hate mongers and accuse them of violent threats for jokingly telling racists to play in traffic or light themselves on fire and roll around in a pool of gasoline.”
However, Sax divulged, “the rules don’t and can’t apply evenly to everyone.”
“Some people just should have more leeway to act like total assholes. It’s just something we believe in as a firm, and have no intention of ever changing,” Sax said. “People deserve to hear their leaders’ thoughts, and if their leader is incapable of what intelligent people would call thinking, then their people deserve to hear their bleating, whining, and baseless accusations that defame and libel other users.”
President Trump defended his tweets about fucking Dorsey’s mom in a series of new tweets. Trump said that “Donald Trump fucking Jack Dorsey’s mom was not a Donald Trump original thought.”
Kayleigh McEnany expounded on that idea on her way out of the White House for the evening.
“Quite frankly, you all should be asking what Obama knew about what the president knows about the Scarborough cold case file,” McEnany said, “but since you’re not, I’m going to be a condescending little twunt toward you, and also remind you that the president doesn’t think. He’s too busy to think, and with all candor possible, you guys aren’t even smart enough to understand what he’s thinking anyway.”
Ms. Sax said that prior to the decision being made about Trump’s tweets, she and Dorsey spoke at length about what their options were.
“We decided that we could most certainly delete anything we wanted to, considering its our servers running our website,” Sax admitted, “but then we started thinking about all the money we make having Trump use our platform so much, and we decided some people really should be above the law, or the terms of service in this case. Honestly, Twitter has always had a policy of doing absolutely nothing about the absolutely worst people on Earth, so why should we start now?”
Mr. Dorsey nor the White House could be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.