MOSCOW, RUSSIA — In the Kremlin, word is that Vladimir Putin is hard at work trying to finish up his Christmas shopping. He’s gotten gifts for all the important oligarchs in his life, but according to several sources close to him, Putin has yet to figure out what to get one of his dependents.
“What do you get for the man you gave everything to? Maybe I should’ve started slow, given him a nice watch last year, and then in 2020 handed him the presidency,” Mr. Putin told aides. “Because I’m just racking my brain at this point for no good.”
President Putin has waffled back on forth on a few gift ideas, but hasn’t landed on that special gift for Almost President Trump, yet. Sources say that Putin had several things in his Amazon Prime cart but kept emptying them when he’d think of something else. While Mr. Putin knows some of President Trump’s more personal tastes, he wasn’t sure that knowledge would apply now that Trump is technically the president.
“I used to be able to just give him a gift card to the Piss Whoremporium,” Putin said. “But now I don’t think it’s appropriate to buy him a golden shower show. This is much harder than I thought it would be.”
Reportedly, Putin has considered various pieces of jewelry and fashion accessories as gifts for Trump.
“Maybe a nice sequined dog collar? Some kind of muzzle? There’s a metaphor there I want to speak to, I just can’t quite put my finger on it,” Putin told aides. “Maybe the problem is I just overshot it by a lot last year, and I even let him open his gift in early November! Maybe I set unreasonable expectations.”
Reached for comment, President Trump said he’ll be “pleased with whatever Daddy gets” him, and that he’s been a “good little puppet” all year and hopes he’ll be rewarded for it by either Santa or Putin.
“Yes, of course I still believe in Santa,” Trump said. “I still believe I won the popular vote, don’t I?”
This story is developing.