WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s not for another couple of weeks, preparations are underway for another Thanksgiving dinner at the White House under the direction and leadership of President Donald J. Trump. Sources within the administration say that staff and aides are working with quite a lot of excitement, as they consider this an historic holiday celebration.
“In 2009, we had a historic Thanksgiving dinner when the first black president hosted it here,” White House historian Beverly Beaverton told us, “and this year it’s pretty historic because it could be the first and only time a thin-skinned alleged billionaire hosts it just before being impeached for being a lawless, thin-skinned alleged billionaire with his power in office. Exciting times, indeed!”
Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney is said to have taken the lead in heading up the staff potluck dinner. A sign-up sheet was passed around and the president’s cabinet and executive team were asked to bring a side dish or dessert to share, while the taxpayers would be providing the turkey and ham. Chief policy adviser Stephen Miller will be bringing a cask of fresh human blood because he doesn’t drink wine.
“There will be no vegan or vegetarian options,” Vice President Mike Pence said in a Facebook post about the potluck. “Because there’s a Republican, pure white administration in the White House this year, and we don’t do beta cuck liberal things like eat vegetables on Thanksgiving unless they’re smothered in gravy, like we do in REAL America.”
Though there are very few dietary restrictions that need to be accounted for, reportedly there is one ingredient that simply cannot be used in any dish, according to several sources we spoke to.
“Peaches. No peaches in anything,” one White House staffer told us on condition of anonymity. “This year, the president is extremely adamant about no peaches, and he’s frankly getting a little worked up and paranoid about it.”
Before dinner is served, those in attendance will each take turns telling everyone something they are thankful for.
“And you shits better say me,” President Trump reportedly wrote in an inter-office memo earlier this week. “Every single one of you better stand up, put on a goddamn MAGA hat, and get down on one knee, like the urbans do before football games during the national anthem, and beg for my love and adoration! Be thankful for me, you little cucks!”
As well as plans are going, sources close to the administration say some tensions have arisen. Reportedly, Mr. Trump is not at all happy with the seating chart. The president has been seated at the kids table, with the other children. Apparently, the staff thought it might be a good idea to group diners with the kinds of people they’d be most likely to have good, spirited conversations with. Someone apparently thought the president could “maybe learn a thing or two” from the children at the table.
“President Trump was not very pleased to find out he’d been seated at the kids table. He was hoping to spend time sitting next to the romantic love of his life,” Mulvaney said, “But unfortunately Ivanka had a prior engagement and won’t be able to attend, anyway.”
White House staff quickly apologized, saying they meant no offense but just created the seating chart based on the behavior they’d witnessed over the last few months, since Trump took office. When the catering staff saw the size of the forks Trump would be using, they simply assumed he was a child, or at the very least, a man-child. Crisis and turmoil was narrowly averted, however, thanks to help from a, perhaps, unexpected source.
“Luckily, before President Trump could throw too huge a tantrum over it, Judge Roy Moore offered to switch seats with him,” Mulvaney told reporters, “which of course made everyone involved happy.”
President Trump plans to say a blessing in Russian before the meal. He also intends to tell the guests that they can’t have dessert until they’ve helped him dig up dirt on the Biden family. Reportedly, Trump will laos have guests dress up as “pilgrims and Liz Warrens,” a reference to his racist attack on Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
Mr. Trump has reportedly agreed to sit at the kids’ table. However, he is conditioning it on his being able to get a turkey wing all to himself, as well as two scoops of ice cream, while everyone else will get none, and have to watch him eat both of his. Applauding him eating ice cream will be optional, however, Trump assured the public.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.